i feel like a kid in a candy store

NEW INK! YAY

i like loud things. here are some examples:

colors
music
patterns
tv
jewelry
shoes

Rest in Peace George Carlin. You will be missed by all.

i really need more sleep. i don't get enough. i leave a week from tuesday, supposedly. i really hope this doesn't fall through. i'd be so upset. umm...not too much has happened lately. i met felicity!! she is so awesome. i wish she lived her, i think she, fe and i would all be awesome friends. its so nice to meet more girls like me n fe. other than that i don't know. when something interesting happens i'll let you know.


p.s. ryan started talking to me again, that makes me smile! i love my schmoo!!!!

now i recall why i made my profile private on my new myspace....cause of fucking old creeps who just want to get in your pants. feck off

i now know what it feels to be in the presence of gods. do you know what it feels like? ask me and i'll tell you

i knew i could do it

i don't know. i'm restless again. i was going to drink tonight, but ashley showed up at alex's and jessie was there and i'm not too sure about her anymore. not after what happened. but it was okay for a while. then ashley showed up. and i know i messed around with her. but she is really annoying. and i don't really care how book smart she is, she is just dumb, and i wonder if like melissa its just an act. but either way its really annoying... moreso if i were to find out it was all an act. so instead of drinking i ended up smoking. i'd rather of drank i guess.

so now i'm home. and i'm really restless. but i'm so tired. but i want to go somewhere. i want to get wasted. i don't work tomorrow, but here i am. laying in my bed in my pajamas. fuck.

3 more weeks i guess. i'm going to talk to my aunt tomorrow, then i find out next week more. i just want to know now. i want to go. cause the longer i have to think about it, the more my dad's words resonate in my mind. i don't really want them to. i don't want to think about it. he pretty much told me straight out my mom did a shitty job raising me. but isn't it his fault too? he's my other parent. they had joint custody of me. can't he blame himself for it too? my mom had to do it by herself with help from my grandma. he was never really around. he never really did much for my birthdays, christmas became mundane and i stopped getting invited around the age of 16. so where does he fit into this picture of my fucked up life? i'll tell you. he doesn't. if she fucked up, then so did he. he agreed at the age of 16 to be there for me and my mom. thanks dad. i appreciate it. i'm glad you cared so much to be there to raise me. don't blame mom for this. blame yourself. i'm sorry i have a life to live, and you don't want your daughters to be a part of yours. i hope you have fun with her. enjoy being with someone who could be your daughter. did you ever think of that? maybe if i wasn't her age it wouldn't be bad. but you tell me you want to move to honduras with her, and pop out some kids below the poverty line, and maybe never come back. good. i'm glad its so easy for you to forget the two kids you already have and committed yourself to. don't tell me how to live my life and what i should do. you don't know me, you don't understand me, you don't know what goes on day to day, you just assume. you think you know what's best for me, well you don't know shit. so fuck you. enjoy your life with your fucking girlfriend. don't ever tell me what to do with my life, and what's best for me. cause in the end, you don't really know, and you never will

i want to join the mile high club....



keeping my fingers crossed

i feel like writing, i'm in such a mood. i don't really know what to do, or what to say. there are a lot of things i don't understand. i don't want to sleep, i'm so restless. i'm so awake, i need to be out. i want to just leave, and go somewhere. anywhere, everywhere. i can't get my nose ring out, it really hurts. i'm rambling. my leg is asleep. i feel like a 16 year old blogging, i sound like my sister. talking to no one, there's only like 3 people who actually read this. and its more for my benefit than anyone else's i need to get things out. i think i want to draw. i think i want to read, maybe sleep.........





i think i'm confused

so today i explained to my dad why i want to go to cali for a couple months. i told him i thought it was a good opportunity, and i think it would be good for me to get out of the area for a while. you know make a change. maybe get my life moving and by moving i mean starting to really live it.

his response: you hate your cousins, you hate your aunt and uncle. you wouldn't be able to stand them for 2 weeks let alone 2 months. you don't like kids. they will have stricter rules than your mother, you can't stay out late, how is it a good opportunity, get a real job out here, thats where your opportunity is, get a real job and move out.


all i can think is how can he not support my decisions? why is he knocking my choices down and making feel like i'm making a huge mistake. how can he think this isn't a good opportunity?

i try to explain to him that i think i need a change in my life for a while, and maybe it will give me more direction as to what i want to do. i tell him that everyone in this area just stays, no one gets out. i have a way out, i have an open door, why would i close it instead of walking through.

my dad was once my best friend. he and i were like 2 peas in a pod. we were so much alike and saw things in the same light. i just don't get where he changed.

i'm going without his blessing. i want to see the world, i want to live life. i've got one to live, why not start now?


why not?

i miss you.




asshole

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck



why do you have to make it so hard for me to forget. you're starting to remind me of him. and yet i still love you so much. you're so condescending, and make it sound like your so much better than you really are. cause you're really not that great. you're kind of a dick. but this time, this time i'll get over your ass, and i'll be better off. so don't bother coming back to me when it doesn't work out with her again. i won't be a rebound anymore. i'm so much better than that, and i deserve better than that. so have fun with out me. i'm glad it's so easy to throw away a seven year friendship for a relationship on the rocks. good to know where i stand in your eyes. cause i won't be secret. it either is or it isn't. and i guess it's not.




good riddance

i'm thinking about applying to be a suicide girl....

i find out when i leave this weekend, i'll keep you updated