the entire day i heard about the list...all friggin day. its the same thing over and over. and then its bad to defend my friend bc hes much different than everyone else. its so annoying. i hate it when people say things about my friends.

Miles isn't here. He won't be here for a while as far as I know. It really sucks. He's one of my good friends. All because he posted a "hit list" on his blog. WOOOOOO...people are so stupid. He is so harmless. He's like a big teddy bear from what I can tell and what people tell me. I think I am going to try and get a hold of him. Hopefully I can get on AIM on the laptop and talk to him. One can only hope. And I'm sure everyone hates some people to the point of wanting to kill them. I have a school filled with them. LOL. BUT! that is not the point. It's unfair that they are doing this to him. And all the whiney moms are going to try and keep him out of school and what not. Grrrr! Well I will post again after school. I'll keep you updated on the current situation with him...hahaha...not like anyone reads this anyway.

falling apart and back together again. the pieces are beginning to fall into place. i think at least. i dont have my french project done. nor do i really care. im hoping to drop the class before next term. so yea. that would be hella nice. i hate that teacher. i hate her so much. i dont really kno whats going on with will right now. again im confused, but i am going to let things take their chorus. because thats just the way to go. i have been reading alot lately. its my only escape from this world. its the only way i can put my life back together again. i just have to escape it. and things go together by themselves. its nice. i have to call will tho, i need to get a book from him so i have it to read when im done with mine. then i gotta work on buying the first of the hunters blade trilogy, im 2 away from it, and i have only the second one. im trying to take my time cuz the next isnt even out yet. but still. yea. im enjoying my escape from reality to the depths of the forgotten realms books. it is soothing on my soul to forget my reality and live in someone elses. well im off, im tired, and i gotta call will and ask him to bring me the book.

Ever want to just go out in the pouring rain, just because it serves as a way to wash away everything bad in your life? I have. I've done it. Even before the rain hits. Before the sky opens up and cries its sorrows away onto the unsuspecting world. Stepping outside you turn your face upwards and look at the swirling clouds as they gather ready to burst. You keep your eyes open as the rain starts to fall. Slowly at work. Just a few drops here and there. Then it hits. Pouring rain. Raining tears. Still you keep your eyes open. Letting the rain mix with your tears. Not knowing the difference. Not caring for the difference. Still the rain falls. Still your heart cries. Something primal awakens in you. Trying to escape your sorrow, you break into a run. The sky weeps for you when you cannot. Don't you see it? Look, don't you see? Weeping the tears of a thousand deaths for the millions of people with their sorrows in the world. Shedding the tears for the hearts of those who cannot. The sky screams with an angry roar, thundering across the land. Striking fear into the hearts of the bravest among men. Ripping into your flesh like a serated blade. Tearing muscle from bone. Your heart is ripped out only to be held before your owns eyes as you slowly watch it stop beating. Watching your very world crumble to the ground. The sky comes crashing down upon the unknowing and uncaring people of the world, only to crush them in their sweet suicide of life. The sun no longer shines, the moon is forever dark, and the stars fall from the sky leaving their burning waste among the ruins of the world. From the ashes a new society will arise, put the old to shame. And those left from the old world will waste away slowly. But not before they see the horrors they have created. Give yourself to the flame and ash. Be reborn as the phoenix from the death of the old. Create a better world, anyone can. It only takes on person to make a difference. Walk through the waste and open your eyes. Breathe in the intoxicating smell of death. Lose yourself among the pain and despair. There is an unrivaled beauty among the shattered remains of the old world. That which the new world could not even begin to dream of recreating. There is nothing that could rival the beauty of the forest after the rain has fallen. When the leaves have just begun to turn and make small piles below their trees. And the dew slides along the strands of the spider's web, and leave a rainbow of color on the grass as the sun shines through. And those rays of light that sift through the treetops give us hope. Hope for a better world. A better day for our children to come. Hope that they might experience this beauty that cannot be tames, nor rivaled. This is home. This is peace, serenity, contentment. Nothing can compare to it. For I am home.

feeling depressed, and bored with life. cant wait till im 18, i wanna travel after high school. i wanna see the world. i wanna put something into my life. right now all i feel it is is heartbreak, drinking, sex, smoking (well that was a 2 day thing), betrayal, lies. nothing good, only bad. but who really cares...right? i do. and maybe will does. i guess he does, it seems like it. but thats basically it. all my boundries have been shattered. shattered like glass. but i cant put them back together obviously. never wanted to have sex...thats gone. never wanted to smoke...thats gone too. and there are a few unmentionables that wont be named, but are broken...and they go along with getting drunk. there is nothing left for me to break here. i need something new. something else to shatter like glass. but i wont find it here. i just gotta wait. maybe i will be able to find someone to go with me. but then again maybe i need to do this alone, do it to find myself. self searching. i wanna move to london. but everyone tells me not to. it rains there. alot.
i was out in the rain today. pouring rain. my hair was soaked, curly like i like it. but i felt free. felt like it washed away everything. i had my headphones on, afi blasting in my ears. even danced in the street. twirled around, let the water fly from my hair only for it to get even more water in it. i felt so free. i love the rain. there is nothing better. its like the sky cries for me when i cannot. its a feeling of relief. feeling of weightlessness. like there is no sorrow, no guilt, no burdens on my shoulder. everything that is oh so wrong with my life is gone. it all flies away. i love it. i dont kno who agrees with me, nor if anyone feels the same way. but that is how i feel. there is no greater relief.

gamed yesterday, im grounded, yep. from what you may ask? i dont have a damn clue, cept my computer, the power cable is gone for it. so i take it as yea, im grounded from it. car, i think. i kno i cant go out...at least i think...im not sure. phone is a go...so at least i have some contact. but yea...i think i ruined the game tho cuz i called my mom to tell her i couldnt be home for dinner and me and her argued on the fone. so yea...im guessing i did. and i guess she told my dad that im not going to college. which is total bullshit, cuz i am...but yea. i dont kno. it feels like my whole family thinks im a failure. at least my mom and dad do...i kno that for sure. and i might not go to europe either...my french project sux, im gonna fail it. god i hate school right now. i hate my family right now. i hate most of my friends right now, cept a few. i hate most everything right now. to name a few:
my family
alissa randazzo
the tv
my french teacher
most people at my school
most teachers at my school
work
my general manager
not having my computer so i can talk on aim
not being able to listen to my music
homework
im beginning to hate french alot
i still love will, and i love jim, and tom (as friends of course) steve is no longer on my shit list, will's brother brian, vicki, and michelle are really the only ppl i can tolerate right now, at least all that i can think of. its good to have people care about me. im hungery, ill post more later

today was a fairly good day....went to the mall with michelle. found 2 potential prom dresses for the prom i dont have a date to. then came home, waited for my mom to stop being a bitch and let me out. left at 4 got to wills around like 415 or so. then gave him a massage cuz i lost a bet in brood war, and just cuz he needed help with his muscle problem in his leg and i care...so yea. after that he took me to fridays for dinner, it was nice, we talked and stuff. i missed that. then we went back to his house and watched sleepy hollow, i got a full body massage, it was nice, i needed it. i think i might get fired cuz i called in today. i wanted to be with will, things are getting better with me and him. i dont want to ruin it. so yea. he loves me as more than a friend, so thats a good thing, i think... right now hes in diablo...so i cant talk to him. im like so in love with the kid. im not even entirely sure why. i feel safe with him, and secure. i feel pure...i guess you could say. like idk...its weird...the feeling i get with him is unlike any i have ever felt. i feel like we are meant to be, but im not sure. its just a feeling. one i sometimes wish will turn out to be true. god i want to be with him so bad it hurts. i thought if i just let the feelings lie dormant and not act upon them they would go away. i guess not. it was working until i saw him and he kissed me. yea...i tried. i feel so lost, yet found. i feel everything and nothing. happy but sad...idk what i feel. its all and nothing. it is good that i feel like this? or bad? ive never been so twisted inside before. he makes me feel things i never thought exisited. "i knew i was alive when he touched my heart in places that had never been touched and my soul was set aflame with passion." he brought be to life. and he keeps me alive...i mean look at what i did without him. smoked, and had he not come back fully it could have gotten worse. thankfully i have not hurt myself, not since the summer, and he knos about it...and it was not because of him, but he who saved me from a much worse fate. love hurts, yea...but not always. not always. there are the good times, and those times make the hurt, hurt less, much much less. and i thank him so much for those good times and i pray for the good to continue. 831 for always

things definitlely got better, i think...i would assume so...will kissed me today...im never gonna smoke again. will saw me take 2 drags off michelles cigarette and he said seeing me do that broke his heart...awwww...ryte? yea....so he cares...and i care....yep...wow...yea...night

i love him, as a friend, and i care for him as if he were part of me. no longer do i want to be with him, but i want and need him in my life. but he wont believe me. its not fair to place blame on me for something that is hardly my fault. and if he cared to talk to the people involved he would kno. but no. he no longer cares. hes rather sit and be depressed and not do anything about it. at least i do something about my depression, i try to fix it, and make it better. thats what u should do. but he wont. hes a lost cause it seems, yea i wont give up. i wont. i care too much, and i made my promise long ago that i would always be there for him no matter what, no matter how hopeless it is. and here i am, still here. nearly a year later. he wants me to help him, he wants help, he has told me, but he doesnt act like he wants it. you cant help the unwilling. i kno that for a fact, i was the unwilling at one point. i said i wanted help, but i wouldnt take it. when he decides he wants to come to me for the help he so desperately needs, i will be here, as always, standing strong for him when he is weak, as he has done for me.he was my will, and now i can be his...its time for me to pay back what he has done for me. 831 for always.

things with will are kinda rocky...idk whats goin on...tomoro i think im getting wasted...not entirely sure on that...i need it tho...smoked 3 cigarettes today...good idea for me, huh? not really, but oh well...will doesnt care about nething ne more....kinda ticking me off...brian started a blog...yay...i think im starting to like this jason guy...he's pretty cool...id like to get to kno him more...thatd be kool, even tho baby cait saiz not too cuz of what happened with jessey, but yea, i wasnt around then and i didnt kno him, and i prefer to make my own mistakes, but yea...idk...well im done for now.

My friend Dave wrote this poem, enjoy.
-To the one who always seems to make me smile, even when I'm in the worst of moods, but at the same time can make me frown when I'm in the best of moods.
-To the one who can at the same time of making me feel like things could be worse, shatters my hopes and dreams and make me feel like I am at the bottom of everything.
-To the one who torments me daily, playing with my emotions and feelings changing them from love to hatred in an instance.
-To the one who is the deffinition of perfection in everyway but at the same time has the most flaws.
-To the one that has supposedly liked me for the longest time but as soon as the feeling becomes mutual runs away.
-To the one who has me all twisted up inside like nobody has done to me ever before.
-To you I say thanks, for helping me realize how much I could feel for somebody, and then have it change over night.
-To you I say thanks, for making me realize that things don't always work out the way I would like.
-To you I say that I wish it could've been more.
-To you I say that you were and are the one I adore.
-To you I say goodbye, goodbye to all the things that could've been.
-Goodbye to all the things that were.
Goodbye

***SIGH*** i hate some people so much sometimes. will wont talk to me for some reason. maybe hes afraid i might "lecture" him again....cuz telling someone how you feel about something is lecturing. yep. and i guess i like dano now, idk when this happened, but i guess i do...lol...at least according to will i do...what a moron...im sorry. but he is. like his brother brian, hes a really good guy overall, but he has his moments where is a total jack ass, but who doesnt? well will's is just one neverending moment of being a jack ass. at least to me. hes so...just ugh...this time im really gonna try to get over him, this time its done with for good...right now until im over him hes got his chance, but when im over him thats it. no one has the patience to deal with him, or love him like i do. hes gonna regret it, but whatever. his loss, not mine

home. what does that mean? what does it mean to be home? what does it mean to have a home? i kno this is not what i would really call a home. i just live here until i can get out. will's is more of a home to me than this place is. i feel welcome there, like i belong there. and i like that feeling. here i dont have that. its really sad, and i hate it. so alone.
will has been acting weird lately...idk whats wrong with him, and when i ask he either doesnt say nething or saiz hes fine. i have a hard time believing it. i want to help him if he has ne problems, im worried about him. he tells me not to worry, but i cant help it, i care about him, its natural to worry about someone you care for. i feel kinda used by him tho. he does have a power over me, idk why nor do i kno what it is. but he has it, and that power makes me an untouchable, i basically am his and his alone, doesnt matter who im dating or what not, i still am his. and always will be. it kinda sux in a way, cuz im his but yet im not. he is not my boyfriend, hes just my best friend, and i have a hard time saying that right now bc of the way he has been acting, hes being very reclusive again and i dont like it. hes pulling away, and right now all i feel hes good for is sex. hes not really doing much in the other aspects of my life, just someone to have sex with when i feel horny. lol, its funny to see myself put that. i dont use ppl, i never have and i never will. i love him too damn much, and it wont lessen over time, no matter how badly i am treated by him, its a love that was created when things were good, and he was there for me and he expressed the fact that he loves me back, and i still hope for the day when that will return. is it a fool's errand to sit and wait for it? i hope not. i want to be with him, i would do anything for him. i really would. 831 sir william

im in publications right now...its really boring i guess. we are on our last day for the yearbook spread we are doing. so yea...miles is being really frigging picky about everything. its kind of annoying. but meh, oh well. im kinda mad cuz i cant access my other blogs from school bc i swear in a few. so i might edit those out so i can do things at school with it. yea...i cant edit my template cuz i cant see how it will look at school. i wanna find a different skin for my template, cuz yea...idk, i just do. well i better get goin b4 miles starts to yell

***sigh*** what to do, what to do? life is full of choices. but right now i feel like everything that matters to me is falling apart and i can do nothing to stop it. my gaming group is basically in shreds, and who knows about paintball. im waiting for it to start just so it can end like everything else. my friendships with people seem to be crumbling before my eyes. but whatever, everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldnt end. whatever, i dont really care anymore. nothing matters, because once it does it ends abruptly. im sick of it. i give up, im just gonna not care anymore about anything, or anyone. whats the point anyway? the only thing caring does is cause hurt. and im sick of hurting. im so sick of it. the world is full of terrible people, and ive met a few of them, and have no desire to meet more. i really only care about one person, and thats will. and look where it got me...more pain. its all or nothing, there is no inbetween on showing that you care. "there once was light...now darkness falls, where once was love...love is no more..."

I see this world, see it in a different view than most. I see it for what it really is. see the mangled hearts and twisted faces. Walking through this hellish waste with uncaring eyes staring back at me. Standing in a faceless crowd screaming at the top of my lungs but no one hears. No one. No one save for one person. My angel in this nightmare. The one who stands in the background. Who can only be seen when the "waste" parts. Dark auras emit from the so-called people of this world. no light in the lives of sinners. "Light a candle for the sinners...set the world on fire." Oh, how right Marilyn Manson is. Fuck the religions bastards who think you are damned because you do not believe in a false god. no one is pure, everyone is a sinner. Believing some type of god is the height is human stupidity. All it is is something to believe in because you are to damn stupid to believe in yourself. That's all it is. "Oh that was an act of god." Fuck no! You made it happen on your own accord. Human stupidity is infinite and thanks for that, for I will never run out of things to write about. We all have black hearts. We are unforgiving and care for no one but ourselves. But everyone in the world is too damn self-absorbed to see it. Life is not one damn thing after another, its one damn thing over and over. Reality of this life is a hellish picture, one of death and decay, rotting flesh and bloody corpses bleeding their black blood onto this once beautiful earth. Black blood from black hearts. Lies and deceit pour from the lips of us all, in an uncontrollable flow that will not, cannot be stemmed. Sinners lips curl into false smiles around poisonous fangs. Our time is just one big paradox. We have created many things for what? Just for them to be there? For man to claim glory over something just to say he did it? To achieve immortality through his work? I intend to achieve immortality through not dying. I intend to live forever, so far, so good. I want to see this world crumble to the ground due to man's fatal mistakes. I want to see man weeping at his own stupidity. I want to see this world in ruins with the people of this earth running rampant. It is a day that will come, and I will be there to see it.

well yea...last post got lost. pissed about that. jesse is still like watching me, idk whats up with him. he looked really sad today in flex. but i didnt want to ask cuz he hates me, so i didnt bother. ive been kinda bothered about will. he only really likes to show he cares when no one is around. same situation just a different day. i kno i can never repay him for all that he has done for me, but i am always there for him no matter what, ive never given up on him. and i would kill just to be with him, but he doesnt want to be with me for whatever reason. all the reasons he ever gives me dont make any sense. and its worse when i know that he loves me and he wont be with me. i kno i dont have the stablity to be in a relationship right now. im too lost in myself and my despair. he knows that i am always there for him, even when the world is crumbling at our feet, and no one seems to care ne more, i do and always will. and i will always be there for him no matter what, but he will continue to go to the ppl that dont care, or dont want to hear anything about his problems. but ill always listen, always, but he wont go to me and talk to me. funny how it works out. i am the one person who will put up with the bull shit and he wont go to me. wow, the world is fucked up, which i wrote something about that, ill post it when im done with this one, which is done now. will...maybe your head isnt on straight, even tho you say it is. i can say i kno what i want, can you? i love you for always 831 forever

bleh, well right now im waiting for my moms deadbeat husband to get home so i can go game. i gotta stop and get food for will and me. yep...hopefully i wont die this time, i doubt it, at least i hope not...shit i gotta level my char the rest of the way. yea...Grease is on right now. i love that movie. hehe...well i gotta level my char...later

well me and adam broke up, were still friends though, which is good. i just cant handle a relationship right now. my life is too complicated at the moment. too many problems. physical and mental...i think i might have thrown out my back, doubt it, but it could happen. i cant move or turn a certain way right now, and yea, mentally im just kinda dying. maybe i should see a doctor (for my back, not my depression, they wont help for that) but yea, me and will have fixed things, which is good. really good. hes my best friend. and when im with him i feel really safe and secure. like nothing can hurt me. and i like that feel of security. its something i need, and seems that i can only get that from him. Oh! and lately it seems that everytime im laughing and having fun, and just being my loud self and jesse is walking by he like stares at me. its really weird. and idk why he does it. is he just doing it cuz he hates me? or is there a deeper reason on why he does it? idk, but it feels like hes watching me alot lately. and its kind of creepy. idk, i dont like it. cuz as far as i kno he hates me. so why would what i do in my life matter to him to where he watches me while im having fun. but meh. oh well. he can bite me, hes such an ass to me.

well yesterday we gamed, me, will, steve, tom, jim, and brian. it was ok, it didnt last newhere near as long as it should have. but eh. oh well. dont kno if steve is having his game tomoro. im hoping, cuz my mom has really gay new rules to where i am not allowed to go out on school nights, cept mondays cuz of steves game. well i can leave for work, but thats it, it sux... and computer...ugh...i have to get off the computer at 830 or 9, i dont go to bed until like midnight. i cant wait till im 18...then i can leave, i might go live with will, but idk if that would actually happen. i would want it to. id like it to. but idk...im hoping. well i gotta go shower. more later

well i have work in a few mins, so this will be short. but ive done alot of thinking, alot, more than usual. but yea...i really dont want to lead adam on. i do like him, dont get me wrong, but i guess its just more of an infatuation rather than what a relationship should be. i dont kno him too well, im told hes a good guy, and i can see that he is. but i want to be done with the pointless relationships of dating just to date. it makes one feel empty, moreso than i do now with out will in my life like he used to be. adam truely is a good guy, and i dont want to hurt him. im gonna try my hardest not to hurt him, but idk, i might have to end this b4 it even really starts bc of who i am, and what i have become. i cant do this right now, and i dont want adam to be subjected to this type of drama, he doesnt need to endure it. it is what i have made my life, and i dont want to drag him or anyone else down with me. i have my close friends, such as michelle and aleisha, and of course will, who will forever be my strength and my will to carry on. and i have already dragged them into this, i just dont want to take any more down with me. so i will hopefully be able to remain friends with adam. but i dont think i can carry this on. im not ready. too much more self searching to do. im sorry adam, and will-831

in publications, flex was hell...i havent cried in school that bad since like freshman year. i feel bad cuz i might be like leading adam on cuz im still so in love with will, but idk...gah. last night will said 831 b4 he got offline. and its like will leads me on in a way by saying that but saying he basically wants nothing to do with me ne more. none of that makes sense to me. i care about will more than nething, but either i show it too much or not at all. i cant win. i want to be with will, but i cant wait for him forever. hes my best friend. i dont kno any one who has ever cared for me as much as he does or did. idk what he feels ne more. hes a really great person. and im going to try and fix things and make it better. but does he want the same? i wonder, bc if he doesnt then what is the sense in trying to make things better when he doesnt want it? i feel so bad for what i have done. i never intended to hurt him. thats the last thing i wanted to do. hes too good of a person. maybe i dont deserve him. i probably dont. hes done so much for me. im trying to get better. and little by little i am. will-831 for always.

well...i think things are getting better, i hope they are. im trying to fix things. i kno Will has done so much for me, and to help me be a better person. he has literally saved my life on a couple occasions. he pulled me out of a major depression. hes done a lot for me. and i thank him SOO much for that. i only hope that we stay friends so that we may continue this. i kno im still not too great of a person, but with his help i have grown to be a much better person than i was. i dont kno if he even realizes this but he is the biggest influence on my life. and i thank him for all that he has done, and i hope he will continue to help me, and save my life when i need it most. THANK YOU SO MUCH WILLIAM!!! 831 for always

well...things might be getting better, but im not sure...it feels like it...i hope it is. i really care for will and dont want to lose him as my friend. idk what i would do if i did, he has made me a much better person for the most part. i kno im still not too great of a person, but thanx to will im better than i used to be, alot better...i think, i hope. alot of the things i think and do now are bc of him. he is a big influence on my life, tho im not sure if he knows it. but he is, and always will be... THANK YOU SO MUCH WILLIAM!!! 831 for always

what do you do when your best friend doesnt want anything to do with you? when he is the one person who is pretty much the sole reason of your existance. Will i truely do love you...i honestly do...i want to be with you, but it hurts to wait, to just sit and hope that it will be time for us to be together again. i needed to move on, i wanted to move on...it was either you, or someone else...im sorry that ive hurt you...i truely am. there are times where i do hate you so much, and how much im hurting because of this, but more often than not i love you with all my heart and soul, and want to be with you. i still want to be with you. but you wont be with me. i am so sorry that this has to be this way.

yea, so i dont think Will knows about me and Adam. meh, he will find out soon enuff ne way. over spring break me and Shelly are gonna get pics taken together, its gonna be kewl, and im getting my prom dress too, so im excited about that. its looks like my life is looking up finally. cept, im grounded from my cell for a friggin month, that just blows. and its a little harsh for what its for. i was on the fone at 11 (my mom has a really shitty perception of time) bah, oh well, its really to her disadvantage, cuz now i cant call and check in, i dont carry change on me, and i dont think adam has a cell, so ha!...her problem not mine. more tomoro

well today i started to date Adam, he's a great guy ill tell ya. yep...hes so sweet. and me and Vicki, and Kati and Amy decided that ppl arent sluts, they are fun, and no one is easy, they are just friendly. i told that to Adam, Marco and Kevin and Adam grabbed me around the waist and said lets get friendly and started to pull me down the hall as a joke, it was funny, lol...yea...amusment in the simple things. i found out that Jesse is talking about how much he hates me to his gf Allison, stupid thing on his part, oh well, and Will...hmmm, hes on crutches right now. haha. i think its funny, hes such a dip-shit. he breaks up with me for no damn reason that i can think of. oh wait, i made the relationship feel like a marriage, oh well, fuck him. fuckin moron, all i did was care for that bastard and he treated me like shit. bah! i have a better person now in my life. tho i will admit i still love Will, and thats prolly something i wont get over, but oh well, thats what happens, but its not doing nething bad with me and Adam. i dont think about Will when im with him, nor am i thinking about Will in a relationship sense right now, nor did i think of him that way all yesterday (when i found out adam liked me). so this is good for me. and im so friggin fuckin happy. Adam you rock my world babe!...lol...i say that alot...but its true...