And loneliness strikes the chords of the heart with a note resonating through the air.

Music: Same as last time
Mood: Torn
Life: Halted again
Death: Not in my mind
Moving Status: Same

I've got nothing to do right now, so I'm posting again. Yea, I know, I'm a loser. lol. yea...so anyway. I'm still trying to find one more poem for my free verse portion of my portfolio. I now have 5 left to do, out of 21 that I have to write, and 10 I had to find and write a reaction to them, and then at the bottom of mine I have to write an explanation of each. nice isn't it? "boys and girls, they dance like it's the end of the world. boys and girls, they dance, dance, dance. boys and girls, they know that its the end of the world..." Kill Hannah, Boys and Girls...good song....here's the beginning of a poem that is currently untitled...

I don't exist,
You're not real,
It's not your touch I need to feel.
You don't want me,
I don't need you,
It's not your arms I need run to.
I am done,
You're not near,
It's not your voice I need to hear.
I have no trust,
You won't show,
It's not love I need to know.


if you read this and have an idea for a title, post it in the comments section...thx

Music: Kill Hannah (all my other cd's are in the car)
Mood: Mellow, not really depressed, not really happy, not really anything
Life: Slowly starting to pick up again
Death: No where in sight (sorry to some of you)
Moving Status: Thinking it's not gonna happen


well it has been raining on and off today, which is fine by me. but not too good bc i was at work all day. crammit. gonna do some work on my poetry project today, mine is gonna look so damn cool. im gonna put it in a real nice portfolio, i gotta get money and get one (tonight?) my friend might hook me up with a guy that i like. friday im gonna work 5-11 provided my Grandma J. doesnt have any more problems and dies. so yea...thats fine with me bc i really really really need the money, i work tomoro and i wasnt sceduled again till sunday. how lame is that? i hate my job. i applied for the Caribou in C-ville...hopefully i get the job there and either work 2 jobs or quit steak n shake...that would be so nice. they are like refusing to move me out of drive-thru, no matter how hard i push for service, they wont do it. its so aggervating. bc god forbid another person be available to do either service or drive-thru depending on what is needed. well im gonna go continue my poetry project.

Music: Kill Hannah (again)
Mood: Content
Life: Standing still as always
Death: Out of my mind
Moving Status: None existant

Well today was a boring day. Nothing went on. I woke up 20 to 11 and took a shower. That was nice and hot. Then sat around flipping through channels not finding anything good. Went on the computer and started my poetry portfolio, but can't print anything because we have no black ink. That's ok, it's not due until Thursday. Right now I'm just kind of bored. I gotta get my stuff back from Will. Especially my hoodie, I really want that, and I need my pants, paintball is in 2 weeks, and yea... I need the pants to play in, cause my jeans are ripped in the crotch and I don't want it to get worse. I stole Mark's jacket yesterday, and decided to wear it today. it looks kool on me. lol... here's another poem I wrote for creative writing, its my Cliche poem.

Whatever

You think you can just hurt me, whatever.
You think you're the only one I see, whatever.
You think you're just so cool, whatever.
You think it's all your rule, whatever.
You think I'm not done, whatever.
You think you have won, whatever.
Think what you want, soon I'll be gone.
You'll want me, but I will move on.
Soon you're alone.
Nothing shown.
And I'll be there, just to say whatever.

my titles lately have been alot of questions, lol. well any way...im really hoping to find someone new, and soon. that could help in persuading me to stay too. but who knows if i can even find someone new...sad...maybe my standards are too high. i just want someone semi-attractive, who likes me for who i am, not what i look like and what ill do with him, and will listen to me, talk with me, and care for me...is that too much to ask?

well i had a great time this evening. i hung out with sam, miles, andy, gerg, nick, mark, and matt...and i think thats everyone...but yea..we hung out. it was fun. nick and gerg were writing songs and i got to help and listen. that was kewl. and i stole marks jacket. i feel cool now. hehe. well i think my mind may be changing on whether i should go or not. i think i like someone new, but i dont want to say who it is yet bc im not entirely sure about it. but i will let time take its course. and what happens, happens.

Music: Kill Hannah
Mood: In love with life
Life: Still standing still
Death: A long way off for now
Moving status: Halted until mind is made up

things with will are over...for good it would seem. i guess its my fault. it usually is, so i dont see why i should try to place the blame on someone else.
my dad wont let me leave. he thinks my aunt is filling my head with crazy ideas...hes a fucking jackass. hes only there when its convienent for him to be there.
i hung out with miles and sam and andy today, i saw my grandma earlier. got a new cell fone and fone for my room. other than that nothing is really new...life is just kinda hanging there suspended in front of my eyes waiting for me to grab it...idk what else to write, so im gonna put in my poem that i wrote on tuesday...

Just Another Week
Monday, I woke up late.
Tuesday, I got a date.
Wednesday, Worked like hell.
Thursday, I'm not well.
Friday, crashed the car.
Saturday, how'd I get this far?
Sunday, weekend end.
Monday, start again.

well i somehow thought of possibly moving out to cali, to live with my aunt for either all, or half of senior year, which ever i choose i guess. but i havent decided yet...im just so unhappy out here right now. i want a change, i want to idk, recreate myself where no one will ever know what i used to be like. i hate moving to a new school, but maybe its time... this could be good for me. i think i want it too. i really think i do...

im feeling emo right now, but angsty and angry. i just got back from seeing the school play Clue. it was pretty good. i cant talk to will right now, he is upsetting me. just talking to him upsets me right now. hes turning into someone who has lived in the burbs their whole life...ie, steven. its kinda sad. the only way he will kno that i feel this way is if he reads this. im not gonna try and change him. i would never do that. i just have to learn to accept him the way he is, and who he is becoming, no matter how much i hate it. but thats what you do when you love someone, you stand by them, no matter what. and thats what i do, and continue doing. there is a really cute guy that works with me now. its kool, his name is mark. i would like to get to kno him better. hopefully he is single. i need to move on so bad. its been 5 months since i last had a real relationship. im not complaining, but if i dont try to move on im always going to be held back with will.

god im restless tonight. and the one night i cant go out im restless. i feel like i need to be doing something. but something that keeps me moving. like sitting here typing is barly satisfying the insatiable (i think i spelled that wrong) desire to be doing something. "I believe in a thing called love. Just listen to the rhythm of my heart." good song. the darkness. good band. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!! i need to go out and do something like run laps or something along those lines. i cant stop fidgeting....wow that word took about 4 tries to figure out how it was spelled. maybe i need caffine to react with my restlessness and it will cancel it out and make me rest. ARG!!!!

Life just gets more interesting as the days go by, but then again it gets more depressing as well. one day my mom will be pissed at me then the next its fine. dont kno what is going on with will. never do though. so thats nothing new. paintball was fun on saturday. i gotta pick up contacts, find money and put gas in my car. im on half a tank and id prefer it if i didnt let it get much lower due to fuckin high gas prices and minimal money on my part. jeremy moved back to ohio, shelly returned from florida. espel hates me. a few new things, some old. im content with life at the moment. so i cant really complain right now, just counting down the days till school is out. 16 and counting...

18 isnt so far away. not as far as it seems. when im 18 im leaving. the only thing i want for my bday then is the title for the neon. then im moving out. im more concerned for my well-being and my life than my finacial issues with college. to go to college i at least need to be alive...lol. paintball is saturday, im staying at toms friday, jim might stay too. that will be kool. tomoro is my chorus concert. yay! i was looking at some of my old posts, im a whiney little bitch. oh well. im happy at the moment, not gonna lose it again. break down this morning dont want to do that again. gotta refrain from that. too much was kept bottled up, and the bottle broke. jeremy is moving back to ohio, sad. my best friend of 6 years is leaving. *tear* he will come see me over the summer tho, he is staying for a couple weeks. and im goin to cali at end of june WOOT WOOT! well thats my update.

I'm actually happy for once. I'm trying to keep it this time. I won't let it slip. Je ne me coup pas. Which is a good thing. And I'll keep up the good work.

Id quod factum est, infectum esse potest.

Good mood, must stay in a good mood. Not overly good, just good. Gotta be happy, not sad or mad or anything else. I cannot let this good mood slip. French sucks, my mom sucks, my sister is a bitch, my stepdad is a clepto with mental issues, and me...well we don't want to get into that right now, another day, now back to my story, thought I would update you on my life.