So this morning, I wake up at like 10:30 right, my mom is on her work phone so I write her a note, "I'm going to get gas then I have to do something, I'll be back in 2 hours or so." So I go, get gas, money and what not, then I go and do the unthinkable. I chopped off all my hair, like in my last post, I did it. It looks very similar to Jon Radtke's hair, just a little shorter, and not dyed, but it looks great, I got to keep the pony tail she cut off as a souvenir. I showed my mom, and she was so shocked, but she didn't care, it is my hair after all. So yea, I have real short hair now, and everyone loves it, or they are just saying it and thinking its fucking ugly, either one works.

Well I've decided I am going to get my hair cut soon... It's going to look like Jon Radtke from Kill Hannah. I hope it looks good. I'd show you what it looks like, but blogger does not have image posting, the damn bastards, aw I'm just playin' I love you blogger. If you really really wanna see what it is going to look like go to Kill Hannah go to the gallery, and in the press pics he is the fourth pic down on the right. He's got red eye shadow on. I love him, almost as much as Mat Devine.

Music: A7X, Sounding the Seventh Trumpet
Mood: eh
Life: eh
Moving Status: Same

Well, it's midnight. I'm home. Smoked 2 cigarettes, drank coffee on AJ's porch, watched people play video games, drove around listening to 70's music in the Gremlin, wore pants way to tight for my fat ass, listened to A7X more times that I should, still am amazed that Warmness on the Soul is a slow song by A7X, fell in love with HIM, got pissed at Best Buy, saw the son of my dad's ex-girlfriend, found out Dad wants the exact same pair of Converse I have, realized he is the only adult that actually knows what Chuck Taylor's are, had some major underware problems today, read more of Naked Lunch, forgot my cell phone at home, ate Burger King.

Well that was my day. Enjoy reading about it

Regarding Mondays post about names and such....

Gideon Ray

Edit: Gideon Rai (prefered spelling of "Ray")

God!!!! I just wanted to kill everyone today, with the exception of Stone and Cory, which is weird because Cory usually pisses me off to no end. Johnny got on my nerves the most. ARG...Post- Birthday life sux right now...

Music: Avenged Sevenfold Sounding the Seventh Trumpet
Mood: Horny
Life: eh
Moving Status: same

so now it is offically over, I am 17, but I don't feel any different, mom wouldn't go for the curfew change... here's what I got:
Avenged Sevenfold- Sounding the Seventh Trumpet
Papasan Chair
Micro fiber comforter, and some sheets and shit
A notebook with a faery on it
A shirt with a Faery on it
A postcard with a gothic Faery on it
A wristband that says "Viva La Bam"
New socks
An "M" shaped note pad
A box

Sadly I didn't get any books...eh oh well.

VolcOmSk83r9191: i get my car wednsday oh yea
LivinDeadGrl666x: i get my car...
LivinDeadGrl666x: oh wait
LivinDeadGrl666x: i have one
VolcOmSk83r9191: oh wait that wasnt funny
LivinDeadGrl666x: haha
LivinDeadGrl666x: it was
VolcOmSk83r9191: uh no
LivinDeadGrl666x: uh yea, u just dont get the humor
LivinDeadGrl666x: cuz
LivinDeadGrl666x: uhhh
LivinDeadGrl666x: ur dumb
VolcOmSk83r9191: i can agree to that
LivinDeadGrl666x: yea, who wouldnt?
LivinDeadGrl666x: hahah
LivinDeadGrl666x: i must be butter, cuz im on a roll
VolcOmSk83r9191: oh funny
VolcOmSk83r9191: that was uhhh
VolcOmSk83r9191: cheezy
LivinDeadGrl666x: uhhh
LivinDeadGrl666x: ur gay
VolcOmSk83r9191: damn i cant insult u  ud agree
LivinDeadGrl666x: yea
LivinDeadGrl666x: cuz im cool like that
VolcOmSk83r9191: ?
VolcOmSk83r9191: now theres a good joke
LivinDeadGrl666x: HAHAHAHA
LivinDeadGrl666x: ur so dumb you wouldnt kno a good joke if it walked up and slapped you in the face
VolcOmSk83r9191: ur so dumb u wouldnt no funny if it danced in front of you naked
LivinDeadGrl666x: it had
LivinDeadGrl666x: has*
LivinDeadGrl666x: i liked it
LivinDeadGrl666x: i was turned on by it
VolcOmSk83r9191: lol
LivinDeadGrl666x: i mean...
VolcOmSk83r9191: ok so maybe u do no funny even wen it danced in  front of u naked
LivinDeadGrl666x: damn straight

Music: 5 songs 1. CKY-Escape from Hellview 2. Thursday- Division St. 3. Avenged Sevenfold- Chapter Four 4. The Killers- Somebody Told Me, concluding with numba 5. Avenged Sevenfold (again)- Waking the Fallen
Mood: A cross between Sad and Happy
Life: Another year wasted with some guy I think I love (no offense Will, I don't know anyone else I rather waste a year with in their room)
Moving status: we have a house [again]

So it is the day before my 17th birthday. Friends are supposed to come over 15 minutes ago. Tomorrow consists of:
1. opening a new checking account
2. lunch with mother (hopefully no sister, but I doubt it, brother I can handle)
3. world market to get my new chair for my awesome new room that I will have in a month
4. family party type thing since Uncle George has to fly when the original party was planned, due to G-ma leaving for Cali today (thanx bunches G-ma)
5. More Music

Post Birthday Life: Stay tuned for tomorrow's installment.

Well it is just about another 2 a.m., and like the last time I did this, by the time I finish this it will be 2 a.m. but the time stamp will say otherwise. Still we can just use the estimate, "yet another 2 a.m. sounds better than, "another 1:44 a.m." I subtracted the [yet] because the likeliness of it being [yet] another 1:44 a.m. is really rare, then again this is me...so yea.

So it is quarter to 2, Chris isn't on, and I wanted to tell him about the tour. Bobby isn't on and I wanted to see if he will go to MCR on August 26th and maybe Kill Hannah on September 18th or something of that nature. I failed to find a guy at the tour. Eh...oh well. Maybe MCR....if I go, next paycheck, take money, buy my ticket, and get friend too. 

I was wondering if there was something wrong with me in finding the fact Gerard Way had his blood dripping down his chin was hot... Am I really that fucked up that something like that turns me onto him more? Blood...mmmmm...sexy. It really bothers me that I found that appearance of the blood, after hitting himself with the mic, hot. Really...c'mon  now. I thought I wasn't that fucked up. Maybe I really am that morbid. It might be the goth in me....some one let me know what it is...am I really messed up? Please let me know.

Jon and I were talking about names today at work. I was talking about how if I had a daughter or daughters I would name them Evangeline Ann, and/or Xandria Marie, and for sons, it was (this wasn't because of Will.) William Joseph (never called Will, I like the full title William better) and/or Gideon [something], no middle name thought of that would go with Gideon yet. I'll have to get back to you on that.

And currently the time is 2 a.m. BOO YA!!! I ROCK!!!! YEAHA

Well today (sunday) is the day after my first concert, wow. I'm tired, but feeling great because the concert fuckin' rocked. Marie had stayed the night, and we successfully managed to lie to her mom, which is hard...but I got mad skills with that...lol. Bobby got to go backstage and I'm mad that we got separated cause he got to see MCR, MC fuckin R...Gerard is gorgeous. I'm so mad... (damn you Bobby.) Oh well, maybe if the concert at the Metro isn't sold out... doubt it, but one day I will...

 
Well that's the news for today...

-Matchbook Romance (first sight of the day, good performance, fun times)
-Rufio (another good performace, fun times as well.)
-The Casualties (a lot of moshing, got punched in the back afterwards, but enjoyed them muy mucho, all songs sound similar, but still good...cool hair)
-My Chemical Romance (FUCKING AMAZING!!!!! Gerard hit himself in the face with the mic, possible lost tooth, bloody lip, finished with blood dripping down his chin, sexy in a weird morbid way.)
-Alkaline Trio (almost got killed, fucking moshers, left in first song. cant say much here, but i got a shirt)
-Bad Religion (still a good band, no matter how old they get. 21st century digital boy and left for...)
-Rise Against (good performance, it looked like allison was looking at me a few times when she was in her seat with jesse. eh, im just one sexy beast ;-) )
-Flogging Molly (fun to dance to...i enjoy the fiddle)
-Coheed and Cambria (a favor house atlantic then off to the Maurice/Volcom stage to wait for AVENGED SEVENFOLD!!!! shitty emo punk girl band thing in between, i hope they rot)
-AVENGED SEVENFOLD!!!! (OMG OMG OMG, wow, that was an amazing performance. wow. im just, wow. the guitar duet rocked my socks off, wow...yea...wow)

and that was my day at the warped tour

"Sometimes...
You can cry until there is nothing wet in you.
You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures.
You can pray all you want to whatever god you think will listen.
And, still, it makes NO difference.
It goes on with no sign as to when it might release you
And you know that if it ever did relent...



It would not be because it cared."

Lies Kill Good End Death Forget Evil Live Words Answers Time Weird Choices Think Places Ugly Hurt Shallow Real Right Wrong Light Lean Murder Like Love Sincerity War Reality Innocence Old Alcohol Drugs Senses Blame Label Happy Home Sex Money Books Win Obsession Tragedy Bold Illusion You Aim Lose Me Large Night Day Dark Protect Possession Tomorrow Beauty Noise Intelligence Burn Thin Gone Flames Terror Fire Interest Rage Jealousy Loss Thoughts Her Emotions Him Used Restriction Freedom Anger Hope Dreams Give View Shout Scream Guilt Shame Truth Suicide Despair Test Debt Depression Chemicals Build Now Fate  Fight Blood Bend Break Martyr Deceit Society Atheism History Addict Patterns Date Purpose Pain Feelings Stop Fall Substance Colors Heatache Relationships Technology Fail Why Inside Angle Worst Buy Sell Freeze Government  Blink Best Sin More God Games Junkie Hate Justify Rage Strain Information Friends Live Need Sorrow Noise Madness Circles Shapes Perspective Culture Straight Math Gay Future Strive Sing Dance Try Waste Forgive Destroy

 

Everything, Everything, Everything

Well the boredom has set it, so I decided to check out Will's profile (why does his name seem strange? like I've seen it before?) and he has a list of "kick ass people" which I used to be on twice, yep, not on it at all. Surprised, not at all. He is still in my profile though. I just decided not to take him out. Even though everything that once was is now long gone, he still deserves a spot among friends of mine. He will always be in my heart.

Supposedly I was bitching yesterday that I "had" to stay late for Jon. I don't ever recall bitching about it. I hate people. I want to get out of Steak n Shake ASAP!

So I am going to go to the Warped Tour on Saturday. HURRAH! My first concert thingy. That should be fun. As long as it's not sold out. HAHA. Maybe meet a new guy there, that would be real nice.

Well it is just about 2 a.m, not quite, more like 20 till, but by the time I finish my excruciatingly long post, that time will have passed. I just got home from work not 10 minutes ago. I took a table tonight because everyone else was busy, no big deal, but Cindy got mad. There were 4 guys, all of which were really cute. I guess one of them came back in and was like scrounging around in his pockets for a tip, it was cute according to Randi because he was like pulling out rumpled dollar bills, and dropping change. so i got $3.70 from them. And $3 from Randi for bussing tables, $1 from a guy that paid too much, and $10 from Jon for staying till one for him. So it was a good night for money for me. HURRAH! 

BLAH.

The world through a child's eyes is vast and alive. Filled with colors and sounds and truths that the average adult will just look over. A child will look at something as simple as a flower as though she is looking at it for the first time. Everything is enhanced, and everything is truth and beauty to the child...

And like I said, by the time I finish my excruciatingly long blog (HA!) it will be just another 2 a.m. TE AMO MUCHO 

Music: Division St. - Thursday
Mood: EMO as fuck
Life: rrrrr
Death: rrrrr
Moving Status: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING (that means my rats have to wait)

Ever since summer started, and Carrie and Cait started to hang out with Will more, I feel like they don't want anything to do with me anymore. It kind of feels like he stole 2 of my really good friends. They are with him so much, and at his house so much, it really bothers me sometimes. Like I don't care if they are friends with him and everything, but IDK, it just feels like I've been replaced by him. I don't know what to do anymore anyway. So what does it matter? No one ever seems to care anymore. I've fallen so far, I lost my way long ago and I've no one to direct me back. I think I am just meant to be alone. That's that. I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. So many failed relationships and friendships, why do I bother trying?

2-2=0
alone again

Well right now my mission in life is to find someone, someone who fits what I really want and what I really need.  So far no luck. I don't want it to be someone from my school though. I only would date one person at school, and that's not going to happen ever, so yea. I am looking for "love" outside of school. Maybe at a show, or in Caribou, or I just bump into him on the street. I should go to a show sometime, maybe Michelle will take me. I will have to talk to her aboot that. Someone signed my blog and I don't have a damn clue who it is. Kind of irritates me. But eh, oh well. So back to my "moral dilemma" on looking for a boyfriend. Ha, I'm such a loser. I don't know. I just really want to find someone, I need a good relationship right now. None of my so called friends call me, sometimes Miles does, and occasionally Tim will. But that's it. I hate how people claim to be my friend, then just kinda blow me off and leave all the plans up to me to make. That's another reason why I want to be with someone. I just need that, I'm so sick of being alone. I want my perfect person. Maybe not to settle, but just to have for the time it lasts will be blissful. So if you are my Mister Right, then let me know, because I need you.
 
On other news, Miles, Sam, and myself went driving around for about and hour and a half, we went to the warehouses off Randall and Miles took a couple of pictures, one with me in it, I hope it turns out good.  Tim and I hung out for a while before I went with Sam and Miles. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow as well. I hope that is fun. Well, nothing more to write.

So I almost got fired today. No call, no show on sunday. HAHA. I am too valuable to them to get fired. Took a table today. STILL lookin' for a new job. No luck yet. Maybe I will call Hot Topic back tomorrow. That would be a good place to work. Maybe call Wal-Mart, and turn in the ap for Barnes and Noble, then apply at Costco. Where else could I look? Maybe Kohl's, I will be 17 in a couple weeks. So maybe. Not sure, I was thinking like a pizza place, answering phones. Well, I think I broke Johnny's spirit. He asked me if like Zach, "Kinda, yea" was my response. I'm not gonna lie. But I don't think either are "the one" to rid myself of the final remnants of feelings I have for will. Chris might be, but I don't know what is going on with him. Mike broke up with Jane, she walked to my house and stood outside my door and then Tim and I came out, and she like yelled at Tim for "being such a good friend," because he wouldn't go to Michelle's to comfort Jane. Weird. BUT, it don't matta. I am kind of hoping that something good will come out of Warped Tour. That would rock my socks off. IF I EVEN GO (MOM). SOOO YEA. THIS IS MY BLOG FOR THE DAY, BITCH WHAT?!

One day as a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat for several hours watching the butterfly struggle to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening was nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings. Then the butterfly would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were allowed to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could be. We could never fly.
-Author Unknown

3-1=2
better, but not good enough

2+1=3
let's make it 3

I saw your picture for the first time in a while. For the first time, my heart didn't skip a beat, and my stomach didn't flip. I think its finally over. Though I know as soon as I say this, and leave it for the world to see, the next time I pass by you on the street my heart will be entering the Olympics. What is it about you that causes me to feel this way? Why is it that the constant pain and heartache I get from you only makes me want you more? I am pretty positive that now I am done. That these feelings of love and lust are now gone, at least the ones I feel for you. One can only hope I guess. It is time, isn't it? I would think so, going on 7 months now. A few more weeks to be exact, kind of bad that the 7 month mark is the day before my birthday, ever more ironic that that day a year ago was one of the best days I had with you. OH THE IRONY!

What is it like to know that you tore up my heart? How do you sleep at night knowing that you did this to someone you once loved and cared for with everything you are? Do you feel good that you did this? Or am I just another face in the crowd? When I once cared so much for you, gave you my heart, my soul, my love, and my body. I opened up to you, told you my innermost secrets and thoughts. Bared my soul to you. And you throw it away as if it never meant anything. Why would you want to do that? Even more so why would you not say a word about it? It doesn't hurt so much losing the love of my life and it does to lose the best friend I have ever had. The only one who lasted through the last 3 years of high school, despite all the problems, and hatred caused. Who knows what will happen now. I've become happy with who I am, though I still am not sure who or what that is yet. I'm surviving with those who are close to me, and those who are becoming close to me. I do want to say this, and like I tell you now, it's not whether you believe me or not, all that matters is that you know.

Thank you. Thank you for being there, for showing that you cared. For watching me as I fall, giving me your all. You were, and are the one I adore, we both know it could have been more. This is where the love will end, thanks for being my best friend. Always in my heart, even when we're miles apart. Thanks for dealing with my tears, thanks for ridding all my fears. Thanks for being you, thanks for staying true. Thanks for breaking my heart, and thanks for taking us apart. Now I know this was meant to be, not us, but you, and me. Maybe friends forever, maybe friends for never. Love forever and always. See you down the broken hallways.

You enter the dark, dingy room and smell the musty air. Feeling around for the walls you touch moist, cool stone, and run your hands over some fungi that had grown overflowing through the years. The thick smell of decay hangs in the air. You wait a moment for your eyes to adjust to the dim, grey light. Looking around you see remnants of weapons and several skeletons scattered around. The tattered clothes on some bore the crest of the family which used to reside here. Guards, you think to yourself. The rest wore varying garments. Most likely from a thieves' guild, you assume, and continue on.

Side-stepping around the room, you keep a wary eye out for anything dangerous. Realizing your sword has disappeared leaving only the scabbard, you look around for another. In a corner, shining impossibly bright from deep within, and perfectly clean and un-rusted, you see the perfect blade. You decide to take it. Looking closer you see sort of an inscription with flowing runes, possibly elven, but you cannot quite make it out, but still you pick it up. Searching around the room you find the scabbard a few feet away, placing it where yours used to be you start to scan the room for anything else unusual. Finding nothing you walk around feeling the walls for something, anything. You place your hand on a brick briefly and it sinks into the wall. Next to the stone the wall begins to move, revealing an extensive torch lit staircase winding down for a long while. Slowly and silently you begin to move down the stairs. After a time you reach the bottom. Looking ahead you see an elongated unlit corridor. Grabbing a torch out of a sconce you hold it high in your left hand with your sword poised in your right. You move swiftly and silently down the seemingly endless corridor. You finally see the end after a long while. There is an immense wooden door with a giant silver handle. You pull it open cautiously and look around for anything unusual. Seeing nothing you step all the way in and scan the room. On the opposite side you see a huge hearth with an overstuffed chair in front of it. Creeping around as silently as possible you reach a point where you can see the front but if anyone was in the chair they could not see you. Seeing no one you look up at the mantle. Something has caught your eye. There is an ornate tapestry with depictions of a battle and writings around it. Seeing it as unimportant to you and your quest, you leave the room. Walking out with the torch held high and sword ready you begin to walk back down the passage. A little further down there is a turn off you hadn’t noticed before. It was unlit as well and appeared to be just as extensive as the first. After walking for sometime the tunnel takes a sharp turn right and begins to slope down. Little by little until it is so steep you have to climb your way down, then floor which is now more like a wall, begins to become uneven and rocky but aids in your descent. Sheathing your sword and holding only the torch, with great difficulty you begin your descent. There is nothing distinguishable as to tell you where you are headed. Reaching the bottom you unsheathe your sword and hold up the torch and scan the area, seeing nothing you begin to walk. This new corridor grows warmer as it gently slopes down. You begin to hear something, faint at first then growing to a deafening rumble. The floor begins to violently shake. You struggle to hold your balance but fall hard to your knees. While on your knees the floor before you begins to split. Crackling and snapping a hole spanning all but narrow ledges along the walls breaks open. The stone crumbles and falls into the hole. As suddenly as it began the rumbling ceases.

Looking over the edge, an endless chasm is revealed, plunging into the depths of the earth. There is no way out now, the quake caused the way up to collapse, and the chasm leaves very little room to walk around. You decide that is your only way out. Slowly you being to inch along the edge. Not looking down you make it around after what feels like an eternity. You begin to hear something again. Footsteps, but very soft footsteps. It is as though the sound in is your mind, but ylou lighten your steps and begin to walk slower. The tunnel curves sharply before you, and as you round the corner you come face to face with a lone man as you drop your torch and it goes out as it hits the floor. Before it goes out you see he is small in stature with smooth angular features and ebony skin. Is he human? You wonder. His eyes shine red in the darkness and his hair is stark white. Faster than you can imagine he draws his blade. It glows in the darkness and is nothing like you have ever seen. Too quick for you to feel he slashes it across in front of you tracing a thin line across your throat, sheathes his sword and runs. You fall to the ground clutching the wound as it begins to bleed uncontrollably. The blood begins to pool around you as you lay on the ground. Silently, death sets in as you take your ending breath.

Oh man, oh man, oh man. I cannot sort out my feelings for the life of me. I like Chris so much it consumes my thoughts, but now that I've started to talk to Johnny more I think I am starting to like him. This is tough. I can't figure out what to do, or who to like (?). Johnny really seems to care, and he is a really great guy, but the same goes for Chris. I've talked to Chris longer, and gotten to know him better, but who's to say that can't happen with Johnny. Oh grr... Both seem to be drawn to me because I am not like other girls. But, oh, I don't know. I hate being torn like this. It's so hard for me, and its really trying on my emotions, and energy. I see Johnny more, but as of right now, I think I like Chris more. I could see myself dating either one. And that makes it harder for me. Though I feel that I have more of a chance to be with Johnny. Well, I guess only time can tell...

Music: CKY Escape from Hellview.
Mood: Euphoric
Life: Good right now
Moving status: Goin' to look at a house tonite

WELL then, Michelle is home. She said Europe was fun. I wish I could have gone. But eh, oh well. Hopefully I will get my new music by my b-day, but we will see what happens. Today, I am going to go look at a house, it sounds really cool, I really hope Mom likes it, cuz it has a bathroom in the basement. Then I'll really turn into a hermit. LOL. Tomorrow, no plans yet, maybe hang out with Timothy. Friday, I had something goin' on, I can't remember though. Saturday, as long as Chris doesn't work, he will come hang out with me, and Shelly, and Vicki, and Brian and such. So that should be cool. I hope he doesn't work. He said he would hit me up and let me know what's going down. SOOOO yea...now I'm just chillin', bored. No car, debating on whether I want to call Johnny and see what he and everyone are up to. 'Cause I still have to clean, and at 5 I'm going to look at a house with the family. Maybe after 5. I don't know. I think I just might chill at home, I don't spend much time here anymore. And I have to fill out an ap to Hot Topic. I wanna get that in ASAP. Lots of stuff happenin lately. Got a new CD today, Switchfoot, The Beautiful Letdown. And the key board keeps sliding away from me, it's getting annoying. Eh, oh well. I'm done for now.

So it is 2 am. I'm really not all that tired. I woke up at one, stopped at the Guthrie's to drop off like 4 cd's so Brian can put his awesome music on it for me. My hair keeps tickling my back. I basically annouced to Wendy's today that I was really horny. But that's ok, I was a little inebriated at the time. Ended up at Cory's. I guess we made out. Kinda blurry, but eh, oh well. Time to go talk to Chris on my computer.

It was like heaven when I first saw you. I knew you were the one. When I looked into your crystal eyes it was like drowning in an ocean of happiness. Now that I've gotten to know you better, I like you more. The more we talk, and the more you help me through, the more I like you. It's a strange feeling. Unlike anything I have felt before. I hardly know you, but I feel like we have been friends forever. Telling me I deserve better than I have, and that I truely am amazing just causes my heart to skip a beat. Which is funny in a way. You hardly know me as well, nothing more than some problems in my life, and a little about me. But you make me feel like I am priceless, like I am worth the world. I haven't felt like that in so long, I had forgotten what it was like. I can't say this is love persay, but it is a feeling unlike any other, and this is becoming a friendship that I would give the world for. Don't ever leave me.