well im no longer allowed at wills, well i havent been allowed there since last thursday...and i went there friday, and somehow my grandma found out i was there and called and talked to me, and told my mom and yea...i tried to tell her i was only there for like 10/20 mins but she didnt believe me, so i told her i was thre for 2 hours, i didnt try to tell her that all we did was watch movies with steve, john, dore, and wayne...i figured she'd never believe me ne way. so as of right now im grounded till the day after prom, unless i can get off. vicki said her, brian, and dan are gonna kidnap me so i can go. lol...i didnt spend $60 on a ticket to not be able to go to my prom. all bc i was with will for 2 hours. bc we have sex and we arent dating, im a whore. BUT! we arent screwing around with anyone else...just each other. its ok to fuck whoever i want as long as hes my bf, but as soon as i have sex with a guy whos not, im a whore. how stupid is that? its not like i go out all the time get drunk and fuck whatever walks and has a penis. i wont start fucking a guy until we have dated for a while...well will it was 4 days after getting back together, but we had dated and known eachother for a looooong time b4 that. i wonder how many guys my mom fucked that she wasnt dating....id be interested to find out...lol...fucking whore...and look at that...she had a kid then 2...im living proof. i dont have a kid, and im screwing only one guy. bleh...im moving out when im 18 and thats all there is too it.

The End

well i might be putting my writing to better use if a few days....only will knos what im talking about. but idk...it could get me in possible legal trouble...so i doubt i will, but i might write it and put it aside for another time...im bored. im gonna mess around in mspaint...creating what could be sigs if i could make them smaller...just cuz im bored and im a loser. ill write a cool post later

well i was gonna go and see will tomoro night...but i cant, i hate my mom. i've seen him ONCE this week, i wanna see him so bad...i miss him. i dont even kno why i can't its the usual parental excuse when they have none, "bc i said so." i hate that fucking reason. its not even a reason. ive been home all fucking week, i think i deserve to go out. FUCK HER! i hate her so much, i cant wait till im 18, then ill leave...not like she will miss me. she doesnt even notice me half the time. but she does notice my brother, and my sister...but me...noooo...im invisible, always invisible. i hate it. i hate it so much. i just want some attention, just to be noticed. at least in will's family they listen to what i have to say, and what im interested in. she saiz like it doesnt matter that she never goes to my concerts ne more cuz she has been to most of them from the start. well now is when it matters the most. when i kno what im doing and i kno im working hard to be good at what i do, and what i love. just why me? why do i have to go thru all this shit?

....someone help me....im falling apart again....

well i woke up with pink eye this morning, it really sux. not that my mom cares, shes too worried about my brother, and fighting with my stepdad that im just background noise, and someone to vent her rage on. i guess thats the burden for being the oldest. cuz i can handle it and my little sister is just too precious to be yelled at to do nething. i havent gotten ne rest today. i have been helping my grandma take care of my brother. i hate it...i sit down and start to get comfortable and "melanie can you get this." i sit back down, "melanie get this" i hate it! when im 18 i wont have to worry about this ne more, i can do what i want and go where i please. so if will is sick when im sick i can take care of him when he needs me. and he can take care of me when i need him. which i need him right now, but yea...hes too sick i dont want him going ne where. he needs his rest. and so do i, but i wont get it till late tonight. but im just gonna keep my head up and keep looking towards brighter days. the days where i am with those who really do care about me, where ill be happy and accepted. they arent so far away ne more, just a little over a year, and everything will be fine...

went home sick today from school, mirek fucked up my computer so i couldnt get on for 2 hours...i was pissed, told him to stay off my computer, i dont have IE as my default browser ne more, and he doesnt kno what my new one is, nor will i tell him what it is. he tried to tell me this isnt my computer i said mom said it was. i hate him, hes dumb. oh well. i kno at least one person who reads my blog...david, yay for him...lol. hes great. well my life today was boring, so im gonna go

well yesterday was paintball...it rocked, i rocked. i got 5 kills, which i think is good for me cuz it was only my 4th time playing. woot woot. i have 2 welts and 3 bruises from the paintballs. one welt on my back was a bleeder but i didnt notice it till will pointed it out. then the one on my stomach is just sensitive to touch. every muscle in my body aches right now. my back, my arms, my legs, my butt even hurts. things with will are getting better. he was really good to me yesterday at paintball. it was nice. so i hope that works out eventually. umm...not really too much to say. i think im grounded again, but idk yet. we got a new house, idk when we are moving tho. and i have to clean to perfection. but oh well its worth it, the new house has an 8 man jacuzzi and i get the WHOLE basement to myself. im so excited about that. i cant wait to move now. i just hate the whole packing and unpacking thing. that part sux big time. but the ENTIRE basement to myself...wow...i get my computer and the entertainment center, and the futon and the tv and dvd player and the vcr, and the book shelf, and the stereo...man it so awesome...woot woot. haha. well im done for now, more later.

well friday i am staying at wills...*mutters* fuckin hypocrite...now he saiz its not worth stay mad at a person for more than a day...hes been mad at me for about a week. GODDAMN HIM! grrr...too mad to write, but im going to ne way. it seems like kati is fuckin guys over left and right. first tim then aj or vice versa...from what i hear at least...gah. i need to talk to jim...he makes me feel better...he always listens and helps me with my problems. yea...maybe ill ask him to hang out soon. him and tommy. i love those 2 so much. idk where id be without them. they have helped me out with so many of my problems. mostly the ones with will. but nonetheless they have been there for me when i needed them. so yea...its all good. will doesnt seem to like how good of friends i am with tom and jim, but whatever. idc. he needs to figure out what the hell it is he wants. more later

im sick of being depressed and part of the massive sub culture that is depression and the people who think their lives are miserable and worthless and want to die. im done with it...new revelation! no longer will i be depressed. i will be...ummm...cynical i guess you could say, cold, distant, not really happy, but not mopey. never mopey. god i hate mopey. make something of ur life...dont sit around and bitch and expect ppl to feel sorry for you. they have their own problems to worry about. so shut up! and deal with it! its life, its not gonna change...EVER!

END IT ALL!

well i want a new life. everyone is being all depressed about their problems and shit...and i kno michelle has good reason. but no one else really does. so ur bf broke up with you. suck it up you pussies. get over it. i kno i should practice what i preach, but i no longer cry over will...i more or less wanna shoot him at times. but hes not helping my mood by walking around with a piece of paper saying "Will's virginity" on it. that hurts me cuz it makes me feel like he regrets it. gah!!!!!!!! i fucking hate everyone and every thing. its time to go to ill will press and watch the squirrels on crack. go to hell everyone i dont like

not much to write about today...everyone annoys me. people were crying in flex...guy troubles of course. never nething but guy troubles. bah. started creative writing today...the only sucky part about that class is jessie b. is in there. i hate her so much. i hope she drops it. i really do. but i doubt she will cuz tim is in there. michelle is annoying me, jane is as usual, and even aleisha. its like everyone is turning annoying. maybe i stay in too much, maybe i talk to jim and brian too often, but whatever the case maybe i dont like it. i like jim cuz hes mellow and has a go with the flow type attitude. and brian is the same way. so its nice to be around them cuz they arent so uptight about everything and shit. so yea. im tired and witch hunter robin is on. bye

Well my friend jeremy is over...we are listening/watching "the reason" i love that song...and the lead singer is SO fuckable...lol. well will has lost trust in me right now...and im gonna try and earn it back. but yea...ne way...i hate easter...i hate religion...i miss miles...gah...idk...hopefully the hearing will go well and miles will come back...i miss him so much...even his mean one liners like "my name is melanie all ppl hear is blah blah blah, im a dirty slut" lol...he so funny. i saw him on friday. i love his car...it so sexy...well im off to eat polish food soon.

well today is easter...and it BLOWS! i have to go to church for my brothers baptism...which i dont understand why you baptize babies.i thought the point of that was to cleanse the soul of sins? well babies dont commit any sins...its just annoying the way these religions work. i like the "Dogma" way of "believeing": having an idea is good, but putting a whole belief system around it is bad. very bad. i have an idea of what to believe in...but i dont believe...just ideas...i guess this doesnt make much sense...but oh well now to eat...im hungry

well i just got home from work. aj, miles, etc were supposed to come see me...but never did...depressing i kno...but i guess ill live. so so so so sooooooo sad right now. Mode: EXTREMELY depressed. i hate it. everytime will is mad at me i get like this. i hate it so much. well miles is coming over...more later

I'm sorry

Keeping Out Of Direct Sunlight (an introduction)
We are the ones with the radiating eyes. We are the ones who have a fire inside. We are the ones only we can recognize. We've been rejected - suffered the ignorance, suffered the selfishness, been pushed so far down now comes o ur time to surface. Turn from the light, that made them all go blind. We've been protected. All arise to what we bring, outstretched hands, unfolded wings.


Three Seconds Notice
Submission- My back hurts from bowing down. Attraction - Was once so strong now can't be found. Affection - One gift I wish you would return. Frustration - as I accede. I do not deserve your frigidness, such callousness, yet I persist. What's wrong with me? I told you "you can't be replaced," you showed me I'm disposable. Spit in my face, as I submit, so I quit!

well i was just told by alissa that she admires me....weird...she saiz i have a way with words...i guess i do...ive never really noticed...i just enjoy putting words together on a page...i feel like i can create a picture of anything with my words. like idk...its really weird. just by putting certain words into a certain order i can create this beautiful picture in someone's mind. or at least my own. its enjoyable to me.
"Throw words onto a page, happiness anger jealousy rage. More strength than a thousand men, all the power inside a pen."
i keep thinking about the times i used to have with will...all the good times. there are alot....but the day i remember the most...the day i love the most, was the Brothers Annual Picnic. that was the day he asked me out...i was so happy, and i had so much fun that day. and i remember the night before my birthday, he insisted on staying until 12:15 am, which is the time i was born. it was so sweet...and he had to walk home that night. so i gave him my cell fone and i talked to him the WHOLE way home. but then i remember the bad times....like more recently that night he saw me smoke. i dont even kno what i was thinking that night. it was just like someone else possesed my body. and thought that if will didnt care then i wouldnt care either. nothing matters if the one who matter the most doesnt care...so i just didnt care what i did to myself. he didnt care...so all respect and confidence i had for myself was lost. all cares for my body and my well being were shattered like glass.
love is funny thing. it really is.

at flex Dano asked me to be his date to prom...Michelle is like forbidding it, but i already said yes. as of right now Will doesnt kno. but yea, Michelle said that im gonna end up getting drunk and fucking him...i was like ok michelle... then i worked, and Brian Conzen came in and he just left not too long ago. he and his gf are having some troubles. i feel bad...but all i can really do is just be his friend and be there for him...so yea. hes so sweet, and hes fun to be around.

well it is quarter to 10...im not supposed to be online, but whatever...idc ne more. started with my garter...i have 4 beads stung and ready to be sewn on...yay. AIM and XP dont work well together...they dont play well at all

yep...thats right...prom is almost here. got my ticket, and got danos ticket...how cool is that? yea i kno. im excited, but im having dress issues and i might have to get a whole new one. bc its altered but the stiching is something my grandma might not be able to get out...so im basically fucked at the moment. it really blows. so i gotta tell her not to alter the skirt unless she can do the top...and if not then i got one i really like at kohls...so its ok i guess...yep...later

i think i like Dano...i dont care who sees this...obviously. but yea...i came to this realization today while at Jessy's. i told her...and i told Brian, cuz he's friends with Dan. but yea...i hardly kno him, but idk...when i hang out with him and talk to him its fun. idk...maybe its just some weird crush. who knos. but Erik likes me. thats kinda odd. but yea ne ways. i cant sleep. daylight savings time sux royally. i think thats why i cant sleep. i hope i dont get in truble for bein on this late. and its not like im on AIM. i just posting in my blog. i keep getting will mad at me for some odd reason. i think we are supposed to game tomoro, but no one tells me these things and i gotta go to my grandma's and see if she can hem my dress and all that good stuff, and i gotta go buy black dye for my garter, then i gotta sew on my kewl little thingys, and yea...prom is so expensive...i hate it. but i cant wait for it. im so excited, and my garter is gonna look so awesome. im gonna keep it, no guy is gonna get it. lol. ive had "the reason" stuck in my head for the longest time, and it wont play on radio vh1, and its frusterating me alot. well time to try to sleep...night every one

well im on "probation" not grounding with restrictions. right now the realitor is here for us to sell the house. UGH! i dont want to move againl. i hate it. all this shit we have to do. its annoying. gotta put everything away to look good for stupid people buying houses. i dont trust my shit alone with some stranger. be back later.

right now my dog is sleeping along side of me under the blanket...cute. today brian came over, not wills brother brian but another brian friend of mine. we talked for like 2 hours straight, and he saw me cry for the first time. i try not to cry in front of people...but i just cant help it sometimes. its like my thing to never cry in front of anyone. i hate doing it. but idk. its weird. i talked to him about will. and about how i feel for will. and all that good stuff. and how bad i want to be with will. i mean with will i feel secure, and i feel a happiness that can never be recreated with anyone else. and i like that, and i want to keep those feelings forever. i feel like me and will belong together. like idk...like hes a part of me that i have been missing for a long long time. and i need that part to continue living. it really sux. at least it does sometimes. most of the time its really good and i have all that i need and all i could ever desire. i have someone who accepts me for who i am and loves me for that and ill never let that go. never.

sigh...he never really talks to me. how can he say he misses me? he doesnt act like it. he doesnt come to talk to me...argh. i try to just drop it. i always try to just drop it. but it wont work like that for some reason. oh well. im going stag to prom, but so is Dano, so it works... i have a guy i kno that is going alone. so its all good. i gotta find out what table or w/e im at. "I stand alone" sry, godsmack...lol...im listening to the VH1 radio...its kool, i get to hear songs i like and not have to worry about the radio or dl'ing them....well not much to say...the title doesnt go with this entry, oh well....