So this is an awesome pic of the Cheshire Cat from the game Alice....tattoo?

Well my fellow HDJ students, so begins another great year...

Walking in on my last first day of high school at this fine institution of learning I notice a few "subtle" changes. First being those pennants painted on the walls near the field house naming the awesome sports we have here and Jacobs. Second, the teachers look like some one took a highlighter and colored all over the top half of their body, or baby chickens. Which ever you like better. I heard that the totally cool highlighter shirts (where can I get one?) were issued as not to confuse the freshman with their fragile, already overwhelmed minds. I guess for me being in my fourth year here and knowing enough teachers to know who is and who isn't a student I see it only as a way to avoid trouble. Scene: kids doing something against rules, lookout sees a bright yellow shirt, warns his buddies, detention avoided. Nifty...I guess. And thirdly I have noticed how scared the freshman look. I mean they look terrified to be here. Are we that bad? What have they heard? I have about 20 in my first hour class, which happens to be Spanish I, and I am the oldest one in there, there are about 7 sophomores, but they, being the freshman just look around like "OH MY GOD! what do I do now?" That deer in the headlights stare. Unsure and very, very quiet and the realization of what is happening hits them. Crazy I tell ya.

I must say though, after a great summer of new friends, bad habits of waking up way too late, and my first concert being a multi-band venue, it is good to be back. That could just be because this starts the final chapters in my book of high school. Sooner to start, the sooner to go on to bigger things, and that I will my friend, that I will.

August 30, 2004. Time to write my final pages so that they can be committed to memory, where it belongs I might add. I know that when I am old and grey and limping around like a wounded duck, I will think about these times here. Only I will question if they were ever real. As for the only proof as to whether they exist or not, I will be the only proof. What has happens to me here, today, will make me the person I become in the years of tomorrow.

So my words for the freshman who read this. I am sure by now you are realizing everything I know now, or are at least on your way to a little bit of that knowledge. Don't slack off. Work hard, your GPA carries over to every term of every year. To the sophomores, don't let anything get you down, it is an easy year compared to the one you will face as long as you pass. The juniors, prepare, prepare, prepare....I cannot stress that enough. ACT's are HARD. Well sort of. Just study for it, and you will do great! Knowing a little trig helps as well. And my fellow seniors. Live as if today is your last, for everyday now is the last you will have here. There will be no more of this. No chance to make amends with people if you wait too long. Make friends, say hi to that person alone in the hallway. Unless I am mistaken, we are the role models for the future of HDJ. What we do now will impact the rest, we are the oldest and wisest (other than the teachers.) We set the examples for the rest of the students. Say hi to the lone person, give an underclassmen help on homework, help out a lost freshman, do what you can to make the tomorrow of Jacobs better.

So this is what I have become? Is this really me? How can something so good, go so wrong? Where did I get off track? Where did this begin? Why did it begin? Why did I lose all control? Why did I hide things from my closest friends? What came over me? I don't know what to do anymore... Someone, anyone, please help me...I'm begging you. Please.

../(
( _)

A tear for the eye that cannot cry.

Soooo....so far, my classes are cool. First block, I would be the only senior in there. Don't I feel cool? Second, same as always....the chorus/gym time. Third block, Domenz for computer art...rock on! Don't leave the classroom, because I would just come right back for journalism, which Greg stays with me from computer art till then. So that's cool, and Jesse has journalism with us...We sit next to eachother. That's pretty cool. We kept getting in trouble for talking. haha. UMMM....I have some packing to do tonite, maybe like just another box, and then cleaning my car out and such. So I am out.

Do you ever put your arms out and spin and spin and spin? Well that's what love is like. Makes you heart race, turns your world upside-down. But if you're not careful, if you don't keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can't see what's happening to the people around you...You can't see that you're about to fall...

So tonight I hung out with Trent. Sadly I never saw Chris, (I am only mildly OBSESSED with him Marie lol. [don't worry Chris, it's just an inside joke...nothing bad]). He got into a car accident Friday night. New music obsession is a cross between Thursday and Atreyu. UMMM.... Went to Applebee's, then saw Without a Paddle. Had lovely conversation with Trent, who is by the way, a great guy. Very enjoyable to talk to, and just a fun person in general. We discussed 3, 2, 1. [3 bras, 2 CDs, 1 pair of lacey black and silver underware (the sexy kind according to Trent, you know the ones, the little shorties...)] Talked about moving and living in one place your whole life, among other things. Very fun, very fun indeed. Well that's about it. Christening tomorrow, then work. Monday brings school, and the rest of the week is supposed to be cold and "dreary" (happy in my mind). Well off to chat with people.

SOOOO...I've packed some stuff, mainly my books and movies and some of my room. The books I'm thinking should have waited till a couple days before, BUT NOOOOOO....Me being the moron I am packed them TWO WEEKS before I can read them again. WHAT THE FUCK?

grrrr.

Should have waited, but didn't. That damn book shelf better fit in my room. Damn straight. Because I don't want to have to trek all the way down to the fucking basement to go get a book, just to stomp my way back up to my room to read it...UGH.

So today I went to possibly the largest outlet mall in the whole entirety of the United States. Gurnee Mills. When all the normal rip off stores have you pay less for the same shit, unless your Zumiez AKA "blowmiez" or Pacific Sunwear, where you ALWAYS PAY THE SAME AMOUNT...if not more...wtf is that? SOOOOOO... I got 3 new bras and a new pair of hipsters (underware, the lacey black kind) all for under $20...but I didn't pay anyway. So I would be up to 4 wearable bras now. WHEE HEE!!!! ;) But before all the underware excitement I was given a $30 limit, which I used to buy Thursday's War All the Time, and Atreyu's The Curse. WHEE HEE....(again). So that was my day... CD's. Bras. Underware. (the black lacey kind.)

Amen.

Well, today (Thursday) I sat home, cleaned, went to Caribou and talked to Jesse for almost an hour, came home, went to Wal-Mart, ate, hung out with John, talked to Chris, talked to Marie, talking with Miles, Chris is coming over Saturday to help me pack some, tomorrow (Friday) I am doing stuff with the family during the day, then calling Trent at night, then Sunday I have a baptism to go to (again with the going to the church, I feel so uncomfortable there.) So I have a total of 3 supporters to my cause so far. That cause being of my choice to be straight edge now. Art, Chris, and Jesse. YAY!

Well, today, whilst at work, I received, and missed a phone call from....Jesse. weird. I haven't talked to him in ages. I'm definitely curious as to what he wanted. hmm... Well, I guess I'll call him tomorrow and see what it was he wanted. I tried calling Miles after work to see if he wanted to do something, never got a hold of him. I called John, he couldn't go out, so I drove around a little then came home. So yea... Here I am now, debating on whether or not I want to play Alice, I think I will.

I will write more later.

It is less than a week to the first day of my senior year. August 30th to be exact. I get to get up at 5:30 to get ready to go see people I really could do without seeing. Chris wants me to transfer to Prairie Ridge, or Central, because I would be loved there, John wants me to go to Huntley. Sure if I had arranged my classes way ahead so I'd be able to have the ones I want. yea. But I don't, so I won't. It is only about 9 months of seeing people I so do loathe seeing on a daily basis, Jesse, AJ, Cory, that annoying freshman from gym who's name isn't worth remembering, Will, that one girl, and so on... I have done so well with myself over the summer, staying mostly sane, and not having too many break downs. Do I really want to ruin my perfect record? It looks like I am going to have to.

Last night I decided I want to go straight edge. I want to change myself, I don't like smoking, or drinking, and it would control my sexual urges. I want to at least try at this.

1. You're just not the sharpest knife in the door now are you?
2. I once convinced him that I was dating this guy and every night at 7:00 sharp I gave him head, but I was pregnant by another men.
3. I like to put random things on my mom's shopping lists, and one day the idea to put an anus tube on it popped into my head.
4. You wouldn't know funny if it danced in front of you naked.
5. WHAT THE FUCK?
6. This is my favorite weapon.
7. Tonight it is not a sheep, it's a goat.
8. This dead fly looks like you.
9. I don't smoke to look cool. Nor do I smoke to fit in. It's just something I do, I can't explain it.
10. You are the happy emo vampire.
11. I shall call him....Armando.
12. We will have to terminate you.
13. COME BACK TO BED!
14. There are no knives in any doors.
15. I can't stop large dogs? I said I can't stock large cups.

15 random comments of wearable goodness.

VolcOmSk83r9191 (10:42:01 PM): who u gettin a house with?
LivinDeadGrl666x (10:42:06 PM): my family
LivinDeadGrl666x (10:42:08 PM): ya kno the usual
VolcOmSk83r9191 (10:42:09 PM): ah ic
VolcOmSk83r9191 (10:42:11 PM): cool
LivinDeadGrl666x (10:42:19 PM): since im still SEVENTEEN and cant leave
LivinDeadGrl666x (10:42:20 PM): moron
LivinDeadGrl666x (10:42:28 PM): hehe, no i kid
VolcOmSk83r9191 (10:42:34 PM): jeasus u could have got a house with someone older
LivinDeadGrl666x (10:42:37 PM): ur just not the sharpest knife in the door
LivinDeadGrl666x (10:42:42 PM): yea if only i could move out
VolcOmSk83r9191 (10:42:51 PM): there are no knives in any doors

ok so excluding my knife in the DOOR comment, you would think the kid could at least spell jesus correctly, right?

So I made this, really the only thing I did was crop some images, create a background of CD covers, and liquify the AFI logo on the black and white picture. I think it looks cool, and the arm was red to begin with.

Okay AFI fans. QUIZ TIME!!!!
If you answer this question correctly, you will get a hug and maybe a kiss if you can tell me first and last name and occupation in the band.
The red arm, Who does it belong to????
You have 30 seconds to answer....

30
29
28
27
26
25
24
23
22
21
20
19
18
17
16
15
14
13
12
11
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0
*loud annoying buzzer, kinda like the alarm clock buzzer*
If you guessed Davey, you get a hug
If you guessed Davey Havok, you still get a hug
If you guessed Davey Havok, vocals, you still get the hug, and if I really like ya, a kiss

BombJacobs54321 (12:55:45 AM): aaahh theres a fly
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:55:50 AM): lol
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:55:51 AM): kill it
BombJacobs54321 (12:56:09 AM): well, unwisely, i just did....i smushed it into the computer screen
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:56:18 AM): good job!
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:56:23 AM): A+ for effort
BombJacobs54321 (12:56:27 AM): thanks
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:56:33 AM): np
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:56:35 AM): its what i do
BombJacobs54321 (12:57:07 AM): the kleenexes are on the other side of the room though
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:57:17 AM): sad
BombJacobs54321 (12:57:29 AM): now theres a dead fly in my fack
BombJacobs54321 (12:57:32 AM): face
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:57:38 AM): haha
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:57:45 AM): i mean that sux
BombJacobs54321 (12:57:53 AM): im putting this chat window over the guts
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:58:02 AM): aw..thanx
BombJacobs54321 (12:58:16 AM): because you are just fly guts
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:58:17 AM): wait how can it go OVER the guts?
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:58:22 AM): wouldnt it be undeR?
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:58:24 AM): under*
BombJacobs54321 (12:58:29 AM): well, i guess its under
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:58:33 AM): lol
BombJacobs54321 (12:58:36 AM): i need to go back to preschool
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:58:43 AM): lol
BombJacobs54321 (12:59:27 AM): hey, this dead fly looks just like you!
HappyEmoGrrrrl (12:59:38 AM): aww.thanx marie
BombJacobs54321 (12:59:58 AM): youre welcome, beautiful
HappyEmoGrrrrl (1:00:20 AM): thats a compliment ive never heard...this dead fly looks like you...
HappyEmoGrrrrl (1:00:21 AM): lol
BombJacobs54321 (1:00:48 AM): well theres a first time for everything
HappyEmoGrrrrl (1:00:52 AM): yea
BombJacobs54321 (1:22:15 AM): goodnight dead fly girl
HappyEmoGrrrrl (1:22:21 AM): night dear

So I have done some things this weekend that I am not proud of, and I have done other things that make me feel real groovey about myself. Granted the groovey feeling was caused by a drunken rage in yelling at a person what it was that I really thought of him. But it was well needed.

I will say that I do NOT regret what I have done. No point you cannot change it. Even if you wanted to.

Photoshop is my new god.

Davey Havok is still the sexiest man alive.

Sex isn't bad, and if you choose to go have drunken sex with someone, it's alright, it's okay, I promise. Human nature. In a few years (try more like a few weeks) no one will even remember that night. I promise. Everyone loves sex, unless ur like, uh, not human. Like, duh. Who wouldn't like/love sex? I mean honestly?...

School IS cool, like they have always told you.

Aimless driving around is awesome.

If you have sexual fantasies about doing it in a place filled to the brim with dead people (ie; a cemetery) and maybe some other things like your own blood somehow involved, I promise I won't laugh, or think you are some seriously messed up criminally insane person.

Places with dead people are fun.

Dark roads are best to travel at night with your headlights OFF.

Music: H.I.M. [Razorblade Romance]
Mood: Pissed as fuck
Life: fuck you!

It has been a couple days since I last updated this. Ummm...moving in a couple weeks. Don't ask where, cause I don't fuckin know. Some where off of Miller Road (the one towards C. Lake.) ummm...school in a week. Uhhh...I don't know.

Work, all I do lately is work. Every morning, and by the time I am done I'm just so tired. It really sux. Eh, tomorrow is my last morning I have to work, and then it's back to my nights and such. Friday and Saturday off, then Monday and Tuesday off. I plan on staying home tomorrow during the day, then Sunday during the day, then yea. I don't really know. I get paid tomorrow. I have to pay Mom for car insurance, then put money in the bank. Well, I have to get gas first. So yea.

I haven't really gotten too much of a chance to talk to Chris. He is never online and when he is, we don't really talk. So it kind of sucks. I have been talking with Will more lately, well whenever he is on we talk. Soooo, yea. I now own H.I.M. Razorblade Romance. It is a very sexy CD from a very sexy man. ooo ooo. okay, I'm done.

So I made this today on photoshop. It is my first attempt at a collage pic. So yea...let me know what you think.

So finally I am able to post this pic on my blog, so this is how my hair is cut, well something similar, im gonna get it fixed in another month. But yea...this is it, thank you Jon Radtke from Kill Hannah for having amazing hair to make me want it.

Music: AFI "Days of the Phoenix"
Mood: eh
Life: boring

Well I might officially switch from this to my live journal, sorry blogger. That or I will just keep up with both of them, whichever I feel like posting on I will post on. Eh, whatever. So I have about 1 hour and 45 minutes left on eBay for the CD Love Metal, by H.I.M. so hopefully I will get it. I'm going to bid at the last minute so no counter can be made. hehe...tricky little me...*insert evil laugh here*

Well, today I got grounded. Only for today though. Not really worth it? Eh. Oh well. So I started a live journal today, much love to Blogger though. You started me with the online journals. so yea...if you care to look at my live journal here is the link.

The Funeral of Hearts, an epic of time wasted

Music: Currently none, going to log onto Launch.Yahoo.com after this
Mood: Tired
Life: Eh, can't complain too much

Well worked from 4:30 until 12:30, well about then. Ummmm....no work tomorrow, no work Saturday... uhhhhh.... I am hoping Chris will jump online soon. ahhh....yea...that is about it.

Well if yesterday was a shitty day, then I don't know what today was. A day from Hell I guess you could say.

Work, opened drive thru RIGHT when I got there, alright cool. EVERYTHING was BACKED UP. FUCK. So my orders took forever to get done. fine alright, I'm good. Off work at 5, Mom gets pissed because I HAD to go home and change before going to Grandma's for dinner, WELL DUH! I didn't want to be in clothes that smelled like shakes and fries anylonger than I had to be, so I did DOUBLE the speed limit on Hilltop (I hope you're happy Mom). Alright fine. Then it ws off to Zach's, where no one talked to me, and I was volunteered to go get Johnny. Fine, I'm good. Whatever. Johnny isn't home, no one picks up their phone, so I assume they just don't want me around. Okay, I'm fine with that. Call Miles and head on over to his house. JACKASS IN A TOYOTA WHO THINKS HE OWNS THE FUCKING ROAD ALMOST MERGES INTO MY CAR!!! Honked the horn, in a furious rage I change lanes and speed past him. Okay, I'm good. THEN, people decide to do 30 UNDER the goddamn speed limit. Speed past them. Alright, I'm fine with that. Miles' house was fine. The best goddamn part of my fucking day from fucking hell. Taco Bell, AJ shows up. Fine, whatever. AJ's house. AJ keeps trying to kiss me with his breath racid from rum. No. I feel like a goddamn slut after this month (July/August). Art, Cory, Johnny, Andy, AJ...who the fuck is next? Major self-loathing right now. I made Johnny AND Will bleed and enjoyed it. WHO AM I? Goddamn. Aggervated. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. SHOOT ME!!!! PLEASE??? Chris where are you???!?!!?!?!

Well, woke up to a phone call from my mom bitching at me to get up. Went to my grandma's. Got new pictures done.


Concluded my day, waiting...and waiting, and waiting for Chris to come over. and he never showed. what a day, what a great fucking day.

fuck off.

Just for one night, steal me away, take me back to the way it used to be. Just for one night, even if you lie, tell me you love me. Tell me you love me the way you used to.

...Just for one night...


...Take me away...

Music: My Cemical Romance- Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge
Mood: Half Horny, Half Pissed-off
Life: Eh

Today I hung out with Johnny and everyone. Had a conversation with Cory's dad about classical music, finally am able to play most of Fur Elise. Ditched everyone with Jacie. Ate Tommy's for lunch, and Burger King for dinner. Smoked a strawberry flavored cigar, well tried it sounds correct. Drove around. Played pool. Etc...

Tomorrow:
Grandma's
Pictures
Hopfully hang out with Chris

My CD player got stolen last night. I thought I closed my window, BUT, I guess not. Eh. Now I have an incentive to save for a real car CD player. So yea... Maybe a couple paychecks from now. I hope.

Put money away
Pay car insurance
CD's put on hold
Everything else put on hold
School
Put parking sticker in car window

I'm in love.


I think.


I plan to prove everyone wrong.


What is this feeling inside of me?


And who is it for?


I can't figure it out.


Someone help me...


Please...............................

Don't you hate it when you tell someone something but they were too stoned to remember?

"I hate the night because I can't sleep, and I hate the day because it leads into the night."

So today was completely wasted. Went to bed at 6 a.m. then got woken up at like 9 to drive Mirek to work, then came home and accidentally slept till 1, then woke up and left for the library, walking in I stared down a 10 year old, it was cool, then went to work until 8, afterwards stopped at C-ville Mickey D's talked to David in the back room, off to the II's house, lots of fire in the back, then it was off to Taco Bell to meet with Timmy, drove around, then home. Time to install Diablo

cd's:
*I brought you my bullets, you brought me your love
*Waking the fallen
*Add it up
*The Used
*Drunken lullabies (or something of the sort, I know what it is)
movie:
*Queen of the Damned
book:
*Time Traveler's Wife
film:
*Black and White

In regards to said post below: How do I go on? How is that you have this effect on me? Why is it that I thought it was done, that something starts again? How? Why? What will become of this? Even though it isn't much of what it used to be, it means the world to me, trust me on this. Just believe this one thing, I wouldn't write something so open and honest if it weren't true. The things I say when I'm angry, or in my denial, I don't mean, I just want to escape the pain that I feel, that is neither your fault nor mine. Just the heartache of wanting something I can't have and the helplessness of not being in control of my own feelings. Please believe me when I say this. I do love you. I truely and honestly do. What becomes of us...who really knows. But it all happens for a reason, we both know this for a fact. Always and forever.



I saw your picture for the first time in a while. For the first time, my heart didn't skip a beat, and my stomach didn't flip. I think its finally over. Though I know as soon as I say this, and leave it for the world to see, the next time I pass by you on the street my heart will be entering the Olympics. What is it about you that causes me to feel this way? Why is it that the constant pain and heartache I get from you only makes me want you more? I am pretty positive that now I am done. That these feelings of love and lust are now gone, at least the ones I feel for you. One can only hope I guess. It is time, isn't it? I would think so, going on 7 months now. A few more weeks to be exact, kind of bad that the 7 month mark is the day before my birthday, ever more ironic that that day a year ago was one of the best days I had with you. OH THE IRONY! What is it like to know that you tore up my heart? How do you sleep at night knowing that you did this to someone you once loved and cared for with everything you are? Do you feel good that you did this? Or am I just another face in the crowd? When I once cared so much for you, gave you my heart, my soul, my love, and my body. I opened up to you, told you my innermost secrets and thoughts. Bared my soul to you. And you throw it away as if it never meant anything. Why would you want to do that? Even more so why would you not say a word about it? It doesn't hurt so much losing the love of my life and it does to lose the best friend I have ever had. The only one who lasted through the last 3 years of high school, despite all the problems, and hatred caused. Who knows what will happen now. I've become happy with who I am, though I still am not sure who or what that is yet. I'm surviving with those who are close to me, and those who are becoming close to me. I do want to say this, and like I tell you now, it's not whether you believe me or not, all that matters is that you know. Thank you. Thank you for being there, for showing that you cared. For watching me as I fall, giving me your all. You were, and are the one I adore, we both know it could have been more. This is where the love will end, thanks for being my best friend. Always in my heart, even when we're miles apart. Thanks for dealing with my tears, thanks for ridding all my fears. Thanks for being you, thanks for staying true. Thanks for breaking my heart, and thanks for taking us apart. Now I know this was meant to be, not us, but you, and me. Maybe friends forever, maybe friends for never. Love forever and always. See you down the broken hallways.

Pay check
Cash it
Jacket
Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge
Kill Hannah money
Grandma's house
Gas
Home
Mom's money
Out

So give me all your poison, and give me all your pills. Give me all your hopeless hearts and make me ill. You're runnin' after somethin' that you'll never kill. If this is what you want, then fire at will.

So everybody angers me. Well not EVERYbody, but most. People can be so cruel and have no consideration for anyone whatsoever. I am sick of people getting put down, and I am also sick of getting put down myself. No one deserves such treatment. No one. No matter how bad of a person they are, no matter how ugly they are on the inside, there is no reason that someone should be made to feel like they are shit. No reason at all. Life isn't fair, but people should at least be fair to each other. Everyone deserves forgiveness, no matter how bad the fault. I may not be religious and have forgiveness rule my life, but if you care about someone, even if it is just a little bit, you should forgive them for any wrongs they may have caused. I know I do try to do that. Next time you decide to hurt someone. Stop. Think. Would you want it?

CatLikeThief2318: i gtg, ill talk to you later my little angel of greatness and beauty from the heavens


How cute, that was towards me of course, if it wasn't I wouldn't be putting it in here. I will leave the person anonymous though.

So my friends are damn good at being friends...yep, haven't heard from any of them in a couple days now. Except Brian Conzen, he calls me often enough. So one, I haven't talked to Miles since Thursday I think it was... I still can't remember what the hell I did on friday. Oh wait now I do. I went to Johnny's got pissed off at him and Cory, went to my work to show off my new hair cut, then I went to the McDonald's in C-ville to see if David was working, which he was, I was there until about nine, then it was off to hang out with Timmy. Finally.

Well it is about 430 a.m. In my basement, like usual. Nothing exciting today. Got yelled at, at 1030 to give my mom the keys to the car, went back to bed, woke up at 1, took a shower, did my hair and make up, Shellie and Joe and the kids came over, ate dinner with them, worked at 5, got off at 4, read more of naked lunch, Mom thinks I went out after coming home from the city, which just isn't true, had a lot of fun at work with Jon, talked and laughed and joked, got Trent's number so I can bring the weasel for him to see (for those who don't know me, the weasel is my dog, a mini daushaund), got home not to long ago, and here I am now.

that is the run down of my day, now off to bed, I think...

I take one, one, one, cuz you left me; and two, two, two, for my family; and three, three, three, for my heartache; and four, four, four, for my headaches; and five, five, five, for my lonely; and six, six, six, for my sorrow; and seven, seven, for n-n-no tomorrow; and eight, eight, i forget was eight was for; and nine, nine, nine for a lost god and; ten, ten, ten, ten, for everything, everything, everything, everything....