Halloween SUCKED the big one. I saw David. As usual he smelled really good. I like still being able to be friends with him.

I really hate that Trent works third shift. I guess we can try...

I'm stuck with nothing to do.

So I went to my first ever haunted house on Friday night. It was terrifying. I don't really remember it all because I had numerous panic attacks. But I do know that like around every corner someone jumped out at you. There was this little "girl" who follows you through the whole thing, saying "come play with me" and such. Half the time you don't really notice her. But when you do it's freaky. Then there is a room that is FILLED with stage fog, and you can't see far in front of you, and a guy in a Jason mask keeps jumping out at you. Then there is like a transition from the tent to the barn. It's just like 50 feet of open ground. When you walk out this girl comes up to you and is like "help me. oh god please help me" and she is begging. Then you hear a chainsaw rev up, and a guy comes running out. I SCREAMED and ran into the barn. (Then Trent called, and I was freaking out, but told him I had to call him back.) Then you go into this PITCH BLACK elevator like thing, and there is this scary guy with a flashlight (doing the wooo thing with a flashlight, but not with a wooo, but like a RAWR.) and he gives you these 3-D glasses and you have to go through like "acid trip land" and its freaky, and people are following you and attacking you. It was bad.

Then on Saturday I went to Fright Fest. I was fine until the "Scary People" came out. They were like following people who were really freaked out (me). Then a clown wielding these knives that looked like mini falchion (sp?) swords was FOLLOWING me. He kind of corners my small group of terrified females, and he slams the knives on a garbage can, and I shrieked and ran away to Zach. And I kept getting followed by the scary people. Then we went to the Necropolis, City of the Dead, and there were even more scary people in there. That wouldn't leave me alone. So for some ungodly reason I went with into the Mausolem of Terror. And while waiting in line one of the scary people wouldn't leave me alone because I was freaking out. And she kept coming up to me and just freaking me out. Then it came time for us to go through the first small part that leads to where they take your tickets, and before we left, the scary woman was like "I'll be waiting for you." That was freaking me out. Then we go, and we have to go single file. So I had a death grip on Zach's hand the whole way, and Mary Kate had a death grip on my hand (ironic). And the first part was like a Mirror Maze. With only a dim strobe light to light the way. It would like blink 3 times, then not blink once. And when it didn't blink someone would sneak into a dark corner and when it would light again, you'd see them and they would scare you. After that you have to walk through a hall of portraits, where the only light is lighting the portraits, and a couple times they would slide up or down really fast and someone would be behind it to scare you. After that you walk through like a jail, and the people behind bars are in like electric chairs and they don't look real, then they start rattling their chains and screaming and it freaked me out so bad. After that you walk through like a butcher's freezer, and he has like a girl on a table that he's trying to cut up, and she is screaming, and he's yelling. Then you walk on to this place where these like manaquins jump out, and a lot of metal is banging around loudly, so I screamed through that whole part. After that is the swamp, and every few feet is like a tree, and behind/in every tree is someone there to scare you. Then you see the light, and it's the exit, but it's not over yet, no, not at all. There is a leather faced guy wielding a chainsaw, that comes after you. This guy like takes the chainsaw and slashes it upward decently close to you, and you know there is no chain on it, and it's really just for the noise, but nonetheless, it is really freaky when a chainsaw gets close to you, whether it can hurt you or not.

I ran out and sank to the ground on the side of the building having a lovely little panic attack, and hyperventilating. Then we are walking out of the Necropolis, and some guy comes up behind me, and I knew he was there, so I ignored him, then he was like "BWAHHH!!!" (something like it) and it scared me, and made my situation worse, and I started to cry a little.

So that's my experience of my first two haunted houses.

By the way. I'm afraid of the dark.

So as I grow through life I realize the friends I make and the lessons I take from them have and will continue to make me who I am. I realize in high school you are supposed to find out who your "real" friends are. I don't really think that to be true, yeah you may break away from old friends, and find new ones, but the old friends are still there.

No, It is in college that you find out who your true friends are. When they leave home to go off to a University, and you stay home for community college, or you leave, and they stay, no matter. It is the distance and the ability, or lack of, to stay friends.

I found great friends in high school. Lucky enough for me, I stayed home and I go to ECC, and a lot of the true friends I have found, either go there with me, or are still in high school. Though like many, I have friends that left. While some went off to NIU, which is an hour drive from me, others went on to SIU, or Marquette, or MSOE, and UW Madison. Now, while they are gone and I am stuck here at home in the proverbial hell that is ECC, I still keep in contact with them. And when I am lucky enough to have enough gas in my car, I go see the ones at NIU, and UW, and Marquette, and MSOE, unfortunately SIU is too far for me to make the drive alone, or want to drive alone. In the end though, I still see them, and I talk to them often.

I love my friends dearly, and the last thing I would want is to have them ripped away from me due to a petty problem such as distance. These friends I have come to know well, have come to know me just as well. And they understand me, and love me for who I am. I am thankful every day for knowing them, and I pray that I will be lucky enough to remain friends with them the rest of our lives.

So in closing, I love you 'Rie, Gerg, MILES!, Shauny, Matt, David (Buttercup), CJ, and even Jesse. I miss seeing you all everyday, and I pray that we will remain friends throughout our lives.

Well, I found out my grandpa was in the hospital like an hour ago, then just now I found out why.

Apparently he was bleeding internally, and doctors had to go in through his throat and cauterize the spots where he was bleeding from. Then I guess he went to the bathroom and his stool was black, which means you are bleeding internally, so I think he is still bleeding. I don't know. I really hope he is alright. The man has been like my father, and I don't want to lose him. Not before I can see him one last time. I love him.

And so the world keeps on spinnin'...

Can I ever win?

I don't know. I just really don't know, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't even know if I know what I want.


I am hopeless. That's all there is to it. I am hopeless.

"Without trust, no lasting relationship can ever be formed."

That is what I believe at least. I like Dan, a lot, but because of his past experiences he doesn't trust anyone right away. From what I can tell he likes me too, but he doesn't trust me. Maybe it's just me. But I trust someone until they prove otherwise. I really do like Dan, but I'm wondering if I should even bother. The way he makes it seem is as though trying would be pointless. Well, trying for something more than a friendship at least. He leaves in January for boot camp or whatever. 3 months isn't a lot of time. I really don't think it is worth it to try. I've been heartbroken way to many times this year, and I'm not sure I will be able to do it again. I don't want it to happen again. I want to move on, and find something lasting for once. And the more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to realize, maybe Dan isn't the one it's meant to be with. Maybe it's really Trent, or maybe it truely is Will I belong with, or maybe someone that is nothing like any of the three. But I fear, now isn't the time to find out. I do hope it is soon though. I don't want to be alone anymore, I want to be wanted by someone, and I want to find someone I want truely and deeply...

"Without trust there is no love."

That explains Will and I. I don't trust him.

Then there is Trent. Wow. I'm not sure I have liked anyone like that in a while. I always have a good time with him, even if he can be mean sometimes, but it's all in good fun at least. I really, want something more to happen there.

I have one crazy ass sister...


To be continued...

I finally finished it. Well, this might be just a temporary image. Miles should be creating a new image for me, and I'm sure it will be a million times better than the one I made. But I mean it's okay for right now. So yea, let me know what you think. :)

Edit: I fixed most of the archived posts. March, September, and December of 2004 are still showing the Vanity layout for now. So until I fix it, bear with me.